i need to scratch out one or the other.
its a choice of who u want to hurt.

and because none of them are my everything,
in the end
there will be none.

Can it be otherwise in a world where nothing lasts, where all that we have loved or shall love must die?
-Henri Fredrick Amiel.

hush now.
i will murmur ballads into your ear of how
they came back and back and back again
they came crying and lying, they came to you begging to be urs
again and again and again
and how is it and why is it that it was only after they had failed you
and they had told you that it was
You
who had failed them.
they will not know why they came back, even when you
had already slunk away into the shadows into
the corners of your eyes into the tiny
holes in their minds.
how will you tell them then that you have found a new solace in a new
sun?
how will you tell them that you played by the rules
that were meant to be broken, because You wrote the rules. you wrote
the untouched and the shattered.
how will you tell them that you
loved them no more, that
the world had spun around and lost itself
a million times over in its
multitudes of intricate threads
that were born and are born
and fade into a nothingness with every passing
second.
and that new stars had shone a million times and that a
million new suns had gleamed every day since
they last went away
and that
it was all a little too late?

hush now, flow
on the clouds of a myriad blues
dewdrops of iridescent hues
and spin
in the embrace
of a gentle dream's glaze.
hush now and forget
every word that was said.


aahah..that took me 9 minutes and 20 seconds to write.
yay.
if only i cud write that in my accounting final and get a 100% in 10 minutes.
reality sux.

(EMO!)
-eeda.

edit..
Crack uloo says.

{@!i} Obvious, Oblivious says:
CASTRATE BOTH THE M****F******!!!!!!!!

sorry Crack i changed ur words..hahahaa.
and that advice was..er...ermm...insightful?

and also, he thinks roachie decided to come back cuz the pharoah in egypt told him too..
let's leave it in Crack's exact words..

@!i} Obvious, Oblivious says:
'uske saath phass jao or i'll spank yo' candy ass with these mad rotten bandages yo'
eeda says:
wher the hell did that come from
{@!i} Obvious, Oblivious says:
pharaoh talking to roach na
eeda says:
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA
{@!i} Obvious, Oblivious says:
mummified pharaoh na

i feel enlightened.

un-happy endin'.

Passport officials say.
we cannot proceed in your application without these email questionnaires requesting information required for further processing your immigration application.

Ammi says
yahan itni politics aur larai jhagra hai, behtar hai ke tum nahee ao.

They say
high chance of riots in Pakistan following the possibility of the President's impeachment and with the Independence Day celebrations.

He says
I don't want to sound selfish but i'd be happier if you didn't go.

I say

i wanna go home already. it's been too effing long

Take all your so called problems
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say.

You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say.
-from 'Say' by John Mayer.

I rest my case.
-xo
eeda

Kinesiology+Accounting+MESSED up sleeping pattern= massive headache.
and i only have 3 more days. Fudge!

It's going so right in such a wrong kind of way.


But that just sums you up perfectly, doesn't it?

chandni.

i love streetlights reflecting off water at night.
and i caught two 11:11's in a row.

star light star bright.
the first star i see tonight
i wish i may, i wish i might
have this wish i wish tonight.

Discover.Dream.Design.Destine.

ive finally figured out the why's of it. i just don't know the how-to's...

Summerish gibberish

point to note. my blog's resembling more of a love-struck/emo 15 year old kids with a fondness for that strawberry coloured font i randomli put in as well as corny lyrics from cornier songs.

another interesting observation number (*insert relevant number here*)
the number and degree of boobs seen is directly proportional to the level of heat.

let's just say it's been Hoooooooot here lately.

I speak for myself, as a straight/slight sense of decency loving creature, when i say that it is highly uncomfortable to be standing in a bus and look down to see sweaty, melon-look-alike ''things'' that no straight/slight sense of decency loving creature should see,especially while they're hot as hell and cramped into a bus with 40 other stinking sweating people and have been standing for the entire duration of the 40 0dd minute bus ride.

Now if you were a guy that'd be an entirely different scenario.
(probably swoon over and faint, and not just because of the heat.
and oh, while making sure u land on said woman's ''things''.)

-end rant-

i might not get to go see family after all. fuckin passport issues.
might.
yeh, it sux. i know.

exam tomoro. can't concentrate.

drug is leading me to exasperation. i think everything leading me to exasperation, except since he's the only human i talk to i put it all on him. not fair, but hell, life isn't either.

"What is that noise?"

The wind under the door.

"What is that noise now? What is the wind doing?"

Nothing again nothing.

"Do

"You know nothing? Do you see nothing? Do you remember

"Nothing?"

I remember

Those are pearls that were his eyes.

From 'The Wasteland' by T.S Elliot.

what i do remember of you is 3 months and 18 miles, 2 weeks and late-night talks. what i do remember is a i-m-too-scared-to-admit butimissyou, what i remember is a soft-blown kiss goodnight.

i remember the smell of your skin. i remember everything.
i remember all your moves. i remember you, yeh.
-Please forgive me, by Bryan Adams.

and Rudolph's a red-nosed reindeer who had a very shiny nose.
like a light bulb.

those that know me know about my infatuation with randomly singing that song when i have nothing to say.

if Rudolph was a man i'd marry him. red-nose and all.

People make mistakes, to make up, to break up
To wake up cold and lonely
And chill baby you know me, you love me, I'm like your homie
Insteada beefing come hold me, I promise I'm not a phony
Dont bounce baby, consol me, come here
-All I have, J.Lo.

Convince me.


and nowwwwwww.....back to the highlight for the remainder of my day, my Organizational Behaviour textbook.
yay for small delights.

(which reminds me of turkish delights which reminds me of Narnia. not that i'm fond of either')
im craving KitKat.

-xo
eeda.

new find.

didnt know deviant art did literature.
surprises are mostly almost kinda always good.

Until your spirit attaches robot wings and tries to lift your fingernails off, you have not understood yourself, and you’re not in the dictionary because you cannot be defined. And you must define yourself before you can allow yourself to be written down.

The lost and found is filled
with just lost.

by queen h rosie

some other amazingly vivid stuff.

inconsistent.

i have no relationships. i am a single lone starrrrr.

thats what i was very afraid of.

and again and again and again and again and again.




.

loose ends

Id been thinking for a while ( ...the last, 5 odd months ish?) that i needed to talk to Golf and kinda just..end things....not confront really, but like,..tie up the loopholes.
i talked to him tonight.
borrowed a coupla guys balls to do it too..
BIG ones.
baahhah

still feels like i have butterflies in my stomach.. not the pretty colourful kind... the mutant pit-bull/butterfly cross-breed experiment-gone-wrong types. prolli gnna make a hole and come out through the other side any second now.
dunno why i still get that feeling.
the conversation felt like i was wading through tar. dead end dead end dead end.

He said he stopped talking 'cuz he'd been busy, and had too many things to handle.

I understand actualli..100%. it'd b kinda nice if u had TOLD me that?!?! and dont tell me i had no right to be told or whatever, u'd told me that i was one of the most important people in ur life at the time.
i'm sorry, but That's how u treat someone u, quote unquote, 'love'?

thank Gudness we got that over and done with.
I actually pity ur wife-to-be, if that's how ur gnna act each time u get a promotion.

I didn't quite rant. I didn't quite yell. I didn't quite complain. But to just ask is to belittle, and it killled my ego.
He told me once he'd cure me of that. Here's a start.
Nad said i shud just do it and get it over with. SO my style. He was right. it's just one loose end of many, bt feels good.

Whatever. it's the End of another era. I can take out the bookmark and close this story now.

And now I lay me down to sleep.

It's Over. i dunno why it feels like that.
..so peaceful finalli.

xo
-eeda

I am the ice cube in your inferno.

So lost,

I can't tell where You end and I begin.

thanx deviant art for remarkably having every pictures of what i search for..

{Last line taken from 'If i never see your face again.' by Maroon 5.}

getting sick of this. i really am.

no more waiting up for u.

im sorry, now it's UR turn.


as to why i am avoiding the confrontation?
Zh. cudnt have said it better.

all of these soft marshmallow feelings that squish themselves between my hollow graham cracker-like stomach.-ZH sunday november 11 2007

Khalu was right. I fall too easy.

i need to get a life. Help!
Comment here to join and further the Anti-emo-movement. [as it pertains to me]
hardi har har.

sar dard.again.
Ack!!

-xo
eeda

i have something on my mind.
and its giving me a massive headache.
and i have no effin clue what the hell it is.










the wheels of her mind go round and round. round and round, round and round.
the wheels of her mind go round and friggin spinnning out of control hey hey..

Spiral.

why do u test my patience so much? or is it just my impatience.

Round and Round she goes.
Where she gonna stop, ain't nobody knows.

This teeter-totter can only take so much. it can only go so fast.
i'm counting the days to break-down.

break-down
Breaking-Dawn
cross Harry Potter with a Jane Austen/Mills and Boon novel..
yet to read it.
hmmm....

Nee arahee hai nee ja rahee hai
Vus khaday khaday muskura rahee hai,

(read with old school punjabi acccent)

i hate being undecided.

tu hi meri shab hai. subha hai.
tu hi din hai mera.

i'll tell 'em that when i get a F on my accounting. theek?


god im going to BOMB these finals.
me.
the irony.
aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..

bach-ao!

awakening one-liners.

{@!i} Obvious, Oblivious says:
here, you can have a typically ali one liner:
eeda says:
lets hear it.
{@!i} Obvious, Oblivious says:
oh well... what the hell
eeda says:
Hhahahaahah


SO something id say..except id put it as w.e
thinking of nicnames for ali..he doesn like 'my stalker'
ali baba and the chaalis chor.
aloo
alilujah
aliljia
a lil jia
a lil loola

after much consideration and intense deliberation, adalat is nateejay per pohonchee hai kai.
alilujah rocks...as a nicname.

vanity thy name is man too... :P

edit..he doesnt mind uloo either...my my , ur modesty kills me.

that's all for now from the 'encounters of a [VERY] weird kind'
later!
xo
-eeda

edit edit

{@!i} Obvious, Oblivious says:
i dil it
{@!i} Obvious, Oblivious says:
all of it
eeda says:
HAHAHAHHA
{@!i} Obvious, Oblivious says:
<3
eeda says:
do u want that on the blog too?
eeda says:
chichora pana.
{@!i} Obvious, Oblivious says:
if you say so ;p

last edit-
thanx for the advice.. i needed to vent. :)

i miss home.

Really? u sure?

Emo post. i'm going to regret this later.

Do not give me titles yet.
I don't know if i can live up to them.
Not yet.

We don't see reality; rather we interpret what we see, and call it reality.

I hated it when people told me 'be careful of what you wish for, it might just happen.'
It seemed like such a paradox. u only wish for sumthing because u want it.
If anything, I'm biting my own tongue now.


I'm scared shitless to get into something like this. I don't know how much u expect. I don't know if I should back away. I don't know what u want. I dont know what I want.


You have every kind of wrong, and yet u haven't disappointed me once.
Why is it that you have yet to disappoint me? THAT scares me.
Is that just my female pessimism/on-the-defense/dissecting/over-analyzing/reading-into-things-too much speakin?

It's for all the wrong that there is no forever.
That sentence is only supposed to make sense to me.
Bah.*evil laugh.

Someone Please shut my brain off.

kuch na kaho. kuch bhi na kaho.

Im gnna quote sumthing i realli liked that i read on sanaa J's blog. hopefully she wont kill me for it.

" Such journeys have convinced me that it is not always possible to restore one's boundaries after they have been blurred and made permeable by a relationship: try as we might, we cannot reconstitute ourselves as the autonomous beings we previously imagined ourselves to be. Something of us is now outside, and something of the outside is now within us."-- From The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid.

too much of everything within, certainly.

Ahaha..what's funny is that it was just in the last post i was talking about no ownership. well u've certainly gone against that one now, haven't you?

please don't let it be just flattery please don't.

kia masla hai. why do we take the fun out of everything? seriousli eeda, take a leap of faith. friggin run the plank and flyyyyy....
lame.

'And one by one the nights between our separated cities are joined to the night that unites us.'
-Pablo Neruda.
2425 miles. to be exact.

On the lighter side. this weekends been a Complete waste of time.
and i've hit a new level of hopeless-bum.
Yay.

hit the books. now-ish.

Bleargh

its saturday night. its the annual fireworks grand finale. the entire town and their mother and phupposs and their neighbor's grand-uncle's dogs are out.ALL except for me because my friends want to break the all-time-nerdo/good desi daughter level and stay at home with family
SHEESH.
i wish i HAD an excuse to be able to stay at home.the only thing stopping me is tht the show ends at 2 am, and aside from the euphoria, the nastier after-effects include drunkards and good-girl-gone-sluts and bad-boys-gone-worse types and i really don't want to be in that crowd at 3 am by miself.
aaaaaah.
so
im at home.
CLEANING.

seriousli.

im thinking theres still time. it doesn start for another 3 hours. i can go, and give sum random guy a peck on the cheek and im sure he shud b willing enuf to play boyfriend/bodyguard for the next 4 hours.
ahah..okay more than a peck.

nah. not gnna work.

gr.
and what with the OTHER half of the world being out too (HINT drug) but telling me 'ur not going with that crowd' im even more tempted to go.

u know whats funny?with my aunt gone i cud stay out till 5 am and itd be okay. funny how when the one time u CAN go without having to worry about curfews,u stay home cleaning dishes.
the irony kills me.
God has a VERY weird sense of humour.

yeh aieenay mein chehraa
mera to nahee
tum hi dekhayee deye
har jaga. kaheen..
kaheen..
kaheen..

-Udhero Na. by Arooj Aftab.

hm. the nostalgias been getting worse lately. cudnt sleep till like 5 am, went online and they were online, for a change..weirdly pleasant surprise.

sometimes my mind feels like a cat chasing its own tail.
round and round in circles.

note to self-do not travel 4 cities/ cut 30 tomatoes and 10 cucumbers/make 90 burgers/go row boating/voluntarily organize a 50 people event.
in one day.
im so soreeeeeeeeee......

the row boating at the lake was worth it though.
proof.


i took it.pretty pretty, hai na?

i havent written in here for 3 days. writing and not just that, writing semi-coherent-crap-worth-reading seems to be an obligation now.
he said that too last night. its not supposed to be an obligation. its supposed to bring u happiness.

my laptop's purring like a cat being whipped. i SERIOUSLI need to get it fixed. it blacks out every 15 minutes.
screw Limewire.

rant to follow.

i do not own anyone. they have no obligation to me. i cannot push anyone to do things for me that i know will hurt them, just because they have done so in the past and i have too.
it is selfishness that destroys relationships.
that, and thinking that u have power over them.

the ball should always be center-court.

they owed me nothing. and that is why i lost them. and that is why i will lose him too.
demands.
this is not a competition.

but I owe them nothing too.

it is that thought that will liberate u. break u.
it means no commitment.
it means ur bond, ur words are meaningless.
it means i don't own u.
it means You do not own me, and u can set me free.
I do not want that freedom.

but it is safer this way. it is safer if we have no laws. no ownership.

('cuz the only time I see us together, is at the end of ridiculous)

But for all your subtleties, you have no wisdom.
-Lord of the Rings 3.

I will fool myself time and time again.

And plot different ways to go to the fireworks and make it back alive and in one piece too.
*sigh.

Ek din
tum bahut bade banoge ek din.
chaand se chamak uthoge ek din.
will you forget me then?
yes i can, if only you can.

-From some oldies indian song my mum used to hum.

can't find the song on utube though. shucks.

end lame introspective rambling. back to dishes and floors cinderella.

xo
-eeda