4 to 22.

haey. eeda buddhi.

i was a girl, except

when they removed my ability to move, disapp

roved my right to excuse myself

from discomfort.

i was a girl, except

i was silenced, licensed

to be doormat, eternally, not

speak for my sanity.

i was a girl, except

they disrobed me of my human essence, vul

nerable in their presence, na

ked and shivering, ash

 amed, at their mercy, a-quivering.

i was a girl, except

now, i am a woman.

without choice, without consent,

enforced role, profuse grief

no room to breathe.

-up and down it goes, where it stops,

ain't nobody knows.

question: would you continue to fight for yourself, basic rights nothing too exorbitant, even if your fire burnt everything around you, everything you touched?

if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

i'm suspended in the middle. 

-eeda.

the taught us in class today that research proves writing to be a therapy, healing.

i got a hug from the professor at the end of class. a mternal, tender, hold-you-close and caress-the-back-of-your-head and tell-you-it-will-be-okay kinda hug. much needed. maybe one day i will send her this, and she will read it

and if one day you read it Dr.Sabrina; i want you to know that that hug was the most profoundly tender and heart-warming experience i've had in a little while. thank you  so much for being beyond a professor; but a lifeguard to me? there are miracles in strangers who remind you that you are not only strong, you are great..and that greatness shines out through for others to see..thank you for being that 'other' person who reminded me to have faith in that greatness..for having faith in me for one day changing the world..


a little faith goes a long way with the little child inside, begging for justice, hope and above all, love.

things have been busy on the personal front; arrangements for the upcoming engagement , sometime next month his family is coming over to 'see me' cement the deal ,maybe slip a  ring or atleast leave with a date to do so..ammi still hasnt warmed up to the idea of me and him; any talk of him meets her stone-cold blank face and likely no response.

it is beginning to overwhelm me too.picking out the color of bathroom tiles in his basement, i am overcome with  homesickness while still cosy in my room..the thought of moving away, leaving, going into a new house scares me..im apprehensive, nervous, jittery..cold feet (literally) sweaty palms and a racing heartbeat..excitement on sunny days, optimistic plans and imagining lying down beside him, making him cold mayo and chicken sandwiches in the morning, small imperfect little habits...its overwhelming, school is overwhelming, ammi is overwhelming..everything is just...i dont know

 on the flip side..i decided to go to my schools monthly dirty bingo get-together's and homg. clearly. the world has lost its mind. in just one example of absurd perverseness, the lead host (african american male avec moustache and two pillows each for boobs and three for the butt region with black/grey wig) big momma got two girls to have beige dildos stuck between their legs (with pants) pointing outwards to fight each other's..well..fake thingy.

yep. entertainment of the night.needed it after the intense emo session with prof earlier,not that i regret it for one second..just needed something to put a smile on me before i headed home spewing rainbows from my teeth liek i try to.

all for now where updates are concerned..thinking of doing a new blog on profs request.
here goes,

:)
eeda

there will be...

hold up hold up while i sort out my mind.

i must suppress this female tendency to subdue the gory, and speak for what it is,
(perhaps to feminize the honest rot will make it appear more pleasant, tolerable)

.....................................................

the doctor of brains tells me he does not know how it is;
can i capture it how it is, can i say it how it is?
when all else fails but for the tears, he says. be a student. that comes first, right now.
i protest. but i am also a daughter!

you will always be a daughter.
(you are a student first)
it is this capitalism that they inject in my bloodstream, coursing like poison, but also the antidote to the grief at home.

things have settled down in a plastic,contained sort of way. bound in strips of clingfilm and social gatherings; we are a-okay.
..........................................................

my brain twirls gently between throbbing membranes, interlocking
spider veins, steely tendrils to hold
it in place.
my face
an empty spot
between the faces of others in photographs,
the blank space i wish i could fill,
but cannot erase.

i look at ghost albums displayed
frivolously
at my windowsill.
still moments of shock, surprise, shared
passion,
i will never feel.
locked, Pandora's box, my
heart,
concealed.

..............................................................

and just like that, the words that were tumbling over each other in my mouth to rush forward onto the keyboard and stain it greyblackblue; silence and disappear.

i want to thank Gunther, u've been there since the very start, and ur message meant the world to me. i think i'm too much of a coward to actually ever run, but ur offer was sincere, and truly touching. thank u.

-eeda

for all the words of comfort, thank you.

i've been on a reading binge lately... somehow getting lost in something infinitely vast in your imagination is more satisfying than the reality im immersed in right now. i construct war zones and romantic interludes at the back of my eyes, in the corner in the dark where no light from my present can reach. it is enough for a distraction, gets me out of the here and now.

the doctor is surprised at how im holding up, tells me to move out, i say that is not a possibility.

reflections are always such a tedious task, perhaps that is why i've been reading too. i use borrowed words to reconstruct what i feel or what i want to feel, and substitute with how i am feeling..the borrowed emotions are less tedious and less draining, and that is only how i manage to go on.





20 Jan 2010. Disaster Risk Managment class.
(how ironic?..or perhaps, very astute)


How could i begin to weave the fleshy strips of my narrative, the internal monologue constantly repeating my story to myself..to spew out of a hollow dry mouth, hoping the inky strains on paper can covey some small part of the stories through which we live.


at what point do we being to unravel the story from our own, the completely aloof fictitiuos tale from reality...transcribed out of pure boredon, burst of litereary vomit or distracted musings carefully crafted to sit on the sidelines, (but never a reflection of soul, never)


,...................

If i could write a story, it too would be about maps. 

-eeda

the people in my life,all

make me wanna SCREAM.

Alien (ated)

Internal Retrospection necessary
Soul workings gone
awry. Dysfunctional
my mind, behaviour.
Unintentional arrogance?
is that the deterrent
averted eyes, change of focus
from them-perhaps
its all in the mind.

Come full circle, Eeda, you
are yet again on a lonely table;
someone else's leftovers for
company; fool yourself it was
your company (wasn't)
upgrade from school bathroom
perhaps, but
i still want to hide my face.

ugly child worthless child
brilliant mind, designed
for lonely space, empty
unfulfilllable.
no competition? lack of
matching wavelengths; you
look up at every voice
hoping it was directed at
you (wasn't).


 Illusion Illusion Illusion of mind
confined
in these membranes- walls,
space
no one can enter, space
i cant escape.

i wait
for the one man who hasn't stood me down
loves
me for all the crazy.
only hope
keeps me afloat.

...........


this was written on one of those im-down-depressed day at a lonely dinner in the student center. i have plenty of acquantinaces, dont get me wrong, people to run into and say 'hie, where have you been?' to, no good friends tho, no real soul-searchers who look through and just ....know.
its frustrating...i had people tell me today that i was weird for liking rain and not liking overpriced makeup clothes shoes bags stuff and turning down S's offer to buy me a coach bag...i told him instead to invest the money in stocks or mutual funds so we can save up for our kids education...enough for them to go to harvard, if they want that.

if that confines me to the nerds table at school without people who can reciprocate the feeling then so be it. ill churn out a poem and lament myself for being too old at 21.

so there. :P
and to all people who actually do read this, Bea and Dr...something, cant pronounce it right...
thank u, i may not reply back but i appreciate ur time and sentiments :)

with that, have a great Eid everyone.
-eeda

Frustrated?

Understatement.

We have a 90 min presentation tomoro. here's my conversation with my desi groupmate, 4th year, last semester student, whose powerpoint slides i happened to be making because of his sheer..well, ull see:

me- i need the table from the research showing the results.
him- how do i do that?
me- um...u take a snapshot of your screen and just send it as an image to me.
him- how do u do that?!?!
me- use the snipping tool

(15 minutes of instructions on how to open it later)

him-but..the table is vertical and not horizontal.
me-right click, rotate clockwise.
him- o wow! um. but its too big, the picture is not capturing everything.
me- zoom out?!

*BANGS HEAD ON WALL*

just 15 ish more slides to go?

arggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
-eeda

somethings should just ...never be published i guess.
vulnerabilities....fragments of the soul....

doll, unroll your spirit from this hole
unfold wings springs make this
scream
mind vomit yellow yellow yellow
daisy blue lavender
don't hesitate; fate brings people together
or
rips them apart some
words needs melodies to proceed
like seal the deal,
heal and
feel-
ing is not a good thing baby...over
sensitivities will not break you free
proceed not with this idiocy.

may i remind you
nay, may i remind you?
caring too much is Not a good deed?

freed
soul: someone bitter callous cruel
shelled
on top. there is no value
for love, will you
wallow in love when
wallowed-out loves
are enveloped in grief?
please.
reap the benefits of distances to keep
speak nought of ill but drill
patience and kindness, naive happygood words
remain unheard. unheard. unheard.

odd feeling..everything is right but everything is wrong. i wanna burst into song and cry,  simultaneously. the family is broken, hairline fractures i feel i cannot fix and over attempt to do this brings only this- mindfuck vomit of words and no rest.
brittle yellow blue baby bottles i am inspired oddly by maternity, gaping holes in the delivery of, i feel i could do a better job. optimistic naive youth? maybe. i strive to prevent tarnishing of the soul. bronze embittered war soldier already, i am tired of this everlasting painful journey.
ya Allah, i would crave eternal sleep but the prospect of hellfire doesn't entice me. where do i find relief? where do i find relief?

-eeda

there is so much to say.
but i
keep
forgetting forgetting forgetting...

love is so short, 

forgetting....

-neruda

i scrawl
back of notebooks,
(know-it-all.)

lumber

isn't just a word. it's

a state of mind, a

chosen preferred attitude

against life.wonderful

what the affix 'ing'

can do to words.

forward

state of mind.

keep goin.

-eeda

i have learnt:
that love is not equal to respect.

ur right...

maybe i am all those disgusting things u imply that i am, those disgusting things u used to date in the past....maybe you just cannot realize how different this time is.
maybe
i kept trying in the hope that
my love alone will be enough to satisfy you,

how could something so pure so untainted ever be so hurtful?
when my intention has only ever been clean, why can so much poison arise from it?

maybe love realli isnt enough.
but what more could i possibly give?


stop hurting me. please.
i only wish to see you content
with me.

imnotawhoreimnotawhoreimnotawhoreimnotimnotimnot

abba said beta he will throw the uncle episode in ur face, make u feel like u were unclean, impure.
donts,pleasedont,pleasepleasepleasedont.
u.dont.realize.how.even.the.slightest.smallest.insinuation.breaks.me.so.
utterly.

dontabuseurpower.im.in.pieces.at.your.feet.


u promised me this would be different. lekin abhi se itna bura?
save me. us.

be careful what you wish for....
happiness can be a very painful thing indeed.....

life landmark.

boy meets dad.

fingers crossed...and kneestoesheartsoulstrings.

pray for me?
-eeda

haphazard

ly put together.
a bursting bubble nerves and inked blue stress held together
sweat tears and the wonderful composing ability of anguish.
antonyms.

you are the cause for the destruction of the family-various, M and N included.

i pray today that i die before i see you happy-M

i can't deal with this-S

Me-bursting at the seams

after days of tiring self composure it felt good to let go and howl.

noendnoendnoendnoend.

ya Allah. please help me to keep my mind intact.