I

this post is dedicated to me gtting my anger out...haha...
these realli are mi random rantings...





i try
i satisfy
i fail
i fight
i cry
i scream
i hate
i break
i pretend
i smile
i tear inside

.


not all help is welcome
khalas gone and told ammi evrything about me..i promised miself i wudn trust her,,but i did...ive started wearin slightly shorter tshirts tht i used to,,and i mentioned to her how i wudn take them with me to mi trip to france, cuz mum and all want me more conservatively dresssed in kurtis and they wudn kike me wearin whut i do..lo and behold, tht biatch goes nd tells mi mum evrythinggggg,,fareeda doesn eat, fareeda doesn pray, fareeda doesn dress right,,evn tho mi aunts own clothes aare wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy vulgar than i am and she knws it too....fareeda doesn exrecise, fareeda isnt social ,fareeda neeeds to b FUCKIN LEFT ALONE WOMAN.
mi mum andi fought again,,,alot....over her waanting me to do this and this and this and that and oh, buy this and tht and u neevr lsn to whut isay ,u ever do whut i do and i tried telling her tht im busy i cnt handle and she goes if u cnt handle why the hell dont u come ack,,why the hell did u go,,u and ur lame excuses,,all u hav is lame excuses..,,,,blah blah..and ofcourse i argued..no point in anything...locked miself in the bathrom,,closed the lights out......cried,,,longer and harder than ever since coming here..shivered, and laughed and cried and laughed..thought of commititn suicide..seriousli,,,,,wud dying giv me peace? i dunno.....
.im tired of being their perfect girl..dont make guy friends, dont make non muslim non scarf friends, dont go out with any friend, do get amazin grades but dont stress dont worry aand dont study too much..but make sure u get the grades ok,,,go out evrywhere with ur aunt and uncle, even if it a day before the exams....and get the grades,,,do get a phone card and call us all regularly, do get shoes for khadeeja and nizam and a backpack for khadeeja and night cream for ammi and so and so dozen other creams for ammi and a new suitcase and some new bras for ureself and get a job later so ican help ammi with her expenses and get viisas and insurance and make sure ur flight is booked the right time and make sure the return flight and the hotel is booked okay and make sure u pack so and so and make sure u call all ur relatives in US to let them know u care and make sure u get calling cards for that and check dadss bank account, sumones messin with his credit card and sort out his apartment and the problems his tenant is having and make sure ur visa and passport are renewed in time by december and make sure ur rooms always clean and make sure ur helping round the house and praying and eating 3 meals and doing ur own laudry and try not to spend too much or too little on food and try and be happy and stressfree.......its nto a alot to do,,,,,u can hardly call ureself busy..whut? theres NUTHING to do at all,,,why the hell are u complaing!!u and ur lame excuses....ur good for nuthing....

yeh
im a failure,,

all mi 18 years have been spent trying to make sumone happy....either mi dad or mi mum or mi bro or sum friend or sum teacher or soceity or relatives....jus everyone's expectations needed to b met,,everyones demands......and never demand anything for ureself..neevr question, neevr ask,.....

DO NOT FIGHT BATTLES YOU CANNOT WIN

is there anyone doing anything out theere for me? oh hell yeh mi dads working and mi mums worrrying..how can i forget,,,,..why? to make sure i turn into the girl of their dreams.....whose sophisticated and calm and dresses in long conservative clothes and speaks softly and knows how to cook and sew and b good at all housework,whose polite and sweet and gets the perfect grades , has the perfect etiquettes...just their perfect girl..because im their first child, aren't i?

how do you pick up a life you've forgotten how to live?
tie on a mask you've forgotten how to wear?
they said i'd change-for the worse
i wanna prove them wrong.
i've forgotten how

noone cares
when ur alone in the dark, noone comes.
when u cry and ur eyes are sore, noone asks why u hav swollen eyes
noone asks why ur pillow is wet.

im alone..and i hav to keep happy..for them...
i dnt giv shit abt me anymore..abt who i was or whut i wanted or how i felt..i can NEEVR be me....
..im jus a machine whose gotta b their perfect lil baby..no emotions, no dreams nuthing...
jus b whut they wanna be...


why the hell can't i stop crying...hahahhaha....do u knw, im thinkin ive started to sound like those other emo blogs id stumble across sumtimes..'noone loves me, let's all die....blah blah''and i think im turning into them...fallin into the hole mi mum and dad are in.....whys it happenin? i promised miself id NEEVR EVER let anything make me turn into them ...id be normal and id b sane no matter whut happens, because mi life IS important...
why doesn it feel like that anymore?..im turning pschotic, crying and havin mood swings and caring and hurting and screwin up everything im doind...i cnt find the courage to make up that wall again,,the one that keeps u sane..cuz u dont think abt all the bad stuff for a while...i cud do it in ISM bt now i cant....evryy lil bad memory ive ever had keeps coming back to me now,...it never used to...am I making miself like this cuz i want to get attention and care??....is tht tooo selfish...?????

tell too mani lies, and it becomes the truth

all this time ive been telling miself im fine..and i say even now....then i hit across an interactive tool on msnhealth which checks if u hav depression or not..the link is as follows..click on it ..if ur bothered enuf,

check if u hav depression

mi result?
major depression....hahahaha......
yup, not jus one time...i thought itd b a glitch..3 times....in all honesty....no wanna-get-attention-so-lemme-lie-about-these-answers kinda thing.....

it is true tho that both mi parents hav been diagnosed with varying severity of depression..yes it is a proper disease, not jus a mood swing or PMS.....and they say its part genetic...i checked with mi aunt to see how authentic this test thing was..she said its authentic, its medicalli true,,sumthing called pq9 or sutthin which is basic procedure to check for depression....no lies....hmmmmm
does tht mean mi 18 years worth of struggle is bein defeated.? nooooooooooo..haha....i sound so melodramatic....but its true,,,,one of the things ive been proudest of is remainin' sane despite all the crap i saw as a child..and i knw u guys dnt knw all of it,,or u do,,but seeing it is a comletly different story..esp in the middle of the night wen ur like 7 and ur awoken up by screams and all.......yeh i sound like a movie heroine...why do i hav to keep tryin to justify tht these were real problems ....tht they di hurt,,...tht ive had more of a tough time than i let on to people..tht im not jus complainin or exagerrating.., it did happen...it feels like noone wud belive how severe it was..cuz i downplayed it...or i kept quiet abt it..afterall, mi mum and dad and me are world class actors...hahah..tht sounds rude....
..mi dad once said to me too, tht he was amazed i turned out ok.. albeit sum scars but mostli ok.....it meant alot..it still means alot, whenevr sumone tells me u did okay...u were a kid bt u did ok..ur doin well..ur keeping them happy..theyre proud of u...
why does all this matter to me so much? why cant i let it go....


were all mi tries to remain sane jus useless...is it all goin to waste? ......

i WONT let it..

complaining is wrong
whining is wrong
screaming out loud is wrong
upsetting people cuz ur upset is wrong
throwing ur life away is wrong

i WONT let that happen to me.....im goin to be okay...i need to be okay...

And in short, I was Afraid.

ps-im soooooooooooooo emo......next thng ill b wearin black and all too...im laughin at miself, and whut i see isn't funni...




strangeli i feel happy now...ive updated this blog about 20 times todday;....kept on adding w/e i kept feeling...i feel released now..for a while...lozl...i went out of mi room and talked to khala and khalu and joked and all..told khala abt mi result too...yeh its stupid, trustig her again....i dunno....khalu joked around and she ws slightly protective...and tht feeling was gud.....no rejection for once..lozl...i feel a lil better...letsee how long this lastss.
luv u all....despite the fact tht its onli armie who comes here now..and onli her who reads mi BS....its aite...........iounnu bout rima or sandy....its ok...as i said

2 words----I'll manage....(sumhow)..... :D