I used to wonder what it would feel to be in the headspace of someone who committed suicide. But I know now. If it wasn't for religion making it prohibited I might have done it myself.
The resources people give you are terrible. You call help lines and counselors and they ask for your personal safety. If you tell them yes you get a cop and really with current climate, are they any sympathetic to a female of color?! Or you get an ambulance to take you to the most depressing place in the world...a hospital.
If you say no you'll get a generic counselor saying Im sorry that must be hard, how did that make you feel? Over and over again over thirty and if you're lucky, sixty minutes, with a follow up email suggesting you reach out and call an appointment with a counselor or psychiatrist and a promise to follow up.
You're asking a person whose hysterically crying and telling you they have no desire to even get out of bed and eat to scan a list of counselors and try making an appointment?
Have YOU tried making an appointment?
Over two hours of calling later one lady picks up who said S would never be able to leave his problem and his mom died due to her own fault.
Great counseling.
If by chance you are lucky someone returns your call, 9/10 times they won't accept insurance.
Wait they accept insurance? They can only see you in the middle of the workday five weeks from now.
Forget the medical system. When things got really rough for me I reached out to who I thought were my good friends who promptly started ignoring me. Most people will keep you at arms length and why shouldn't they?! Compassion is time consuming and time is money. And people are too strapped with mortgages and car loans and credit car debt to care for you.
Those that don't have that don't have compassion..
Either way. In short. You're fucked.
Even your best of friends will check in occasionally until life consumes them. Life consumes everyone. So what if it consumes you too?
No one truly cares at least on an ongoing basis until you're truly gone and then the I didn't see it Coming and not her starts.
Really?
Didn't see it coming?!
I've been fighting with myself and reaching out to numerous people openly saying I'm in a bad place I need help and. You get a short time band-aid and that's it.
I've been masking and masking and masking for so long I've truly become dysfunctional. A walking zombie going through the motions of my day waiting for it to be over, 1 more day closer to death or relief.
Kia dua karun?! Ay Allah swt enough? Tried that. This is more than I can bear. I'm broken and I have nothing left to give. I'm losing my mind. Relief? Tried that.
There's nothing but darkness and I'm lost in it. I get maybe a day or two of light and then it'd back in this hole where I literally can't manage to stand up. I.
Did I ever mean anything to anyone enough that my life was worth saving?
For how long would it destroy parents and siblings, my loss? Is that a lesser time than what I currently have the energy and courage to endure?
At times the answer is yes. Those are the times when you pull the trigger or tighten the noose.
Spinning in ashes.
E
3 comments:
I have now been at the end moment of many suicide victims and the one thing I have always seen is regret at that final moment. They grab on, cling on to life as best as they can as it slips away. It is a heart wrenching moment and I struggle with forgetting the faces. I know support systems are useless and stretched beyond capabilities so it all seems like no one cares. But there are those of us who want to make sure we don't see anyone struggling to hold on to life once its too late. Trust me, there are those of us who care
Its not really the lack of support system honestly that brings you to it.
It's that in the moment feeling of insurmountable darkness. Of never finding a way out. Of Life just repeating itself and taking your life out of you in bits and pieces when it feels that maybe, taking it away in one go would be so much easier. It's that moment when it is hardest to pull yourself from the brink and convince yourself, ok, one more time....
I'm sorry you have to see that. Suicide is a weak selfish act, and while I sympathize with those that go, it is true you're not thinking of those you leave behind, strangers or family alike. You are so concerned with just ridding yourself of the pain you don't care if ur causing others any.
I hope you forget. For your health sake.
I know they don't think of others at that point and for some cases, I can even understand some of their reasons at times but you know what...I hope I don't forget. Thes emomnents put life in perspective for me. It gives me the strength and ability to go on when life gets me down. And for those who want/need my help, it gives me the ability to break through their walls.
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