lately

We accept the love we think we deserve

Love is not supposed to hurt.

I have spent my life seeking love that hurt or making love hurt me because that was the only way I knew for it to be real. Is it really love if it doesn't hurt?

Is there anything in this world that doesn't hurt?  Everything hurts. When it doesn't hurt it terrifies me. I wait with bated breath for it to break because.

Well because.

Revelations

…………………

Wad duha. There is darkness but you are not foresaken.

Two people today said to me today I exaggerate things. Worry too much. Care too much about everything. Too much "in" everything.
I don't take criticism well but I need to hear it because I'm so off balance. I need a break to literally find myself again.
I've been hear before when I lost myself. It took forever to come back to myself. It took getting down to the deepest part of the black abyss to realize I needed help coming back up, and that is when I had sought professional help.
I'm almost at the bottom again. I can see the depth through the black water reflecting my fear back at me.
I know I need help. Badly.

Which is why I'm latching onto every temporary band aid I find. People. Things. Food. Music. Sleep. But regardless into that blackness I must go to come out the other side. No point dragging hands and feet trying to climb out of it pleadingly.

Lets see where this goes. Spirals, skinned shins, sinking, senseless.

Facts. Let's stick to facts.

…………………….

It's easier to be numb.

I'm doing all the things I do when I get into this mood.
Push everyone away. Stop talking much. Stop eating.
Take sleeping pills and sleep alot. Started smoking again (0 nicotine ecig) and the relief was a amazing.
Listened to tiesto blaring. I remember when this happened in college and I went to that underground club and had danced all night.
Want to go dancing again. Want to close my eyes and lose myself and not think for a change. This is what this is. I want to put my life away on a nice little shelf and take a second to just breaaaatheeee. Process everything and everyone.

Self destruct? I don't know what this is.

Liberation or destruction.
I don't know. I'm just dancing with my eyes closed. Spinning until something stops me.
Clouds and cliffs and smoke.

Chan kithan?

………………………..

It is not easy this

Breaking apart of things, relationships, people.

………………………….

Maybe the reason for this turmoil is just that. I need to find my way back. From the ram to the doe.

……………………..

Aise berehem hogaye ke afsos-e-alvida na raha.

Eeda