I used to wonder what it would feel to be in the headspace of someone who committed suicide. But I know now. If it wasn't for religion making it prohibited I might have done it myself.
The resources people give you are terrible. You call help lines and counselors and they ask for your personal safety. If you tell them yes you get a cop and really with current climate, are they any sympathetic to a female of color?! Or you get an ambulance to take you to the most depressing place in the world...a hospital.
If you say no you'll get a generic counselor saying Im sorry that must be hard, how did that make you feel? Over and over again over thirty and if you're lucky, sixty minutes, with a follow up email suggesting you reach out and call an appointment with a counselor or psychiatrist and a promise to follow up.
You're asking a person whose hysterically crying and telling you they have no desire to even get out of bed and eat to scan a list of counselors and try making an appointment?
Have YOU tried making an appointment?
Over two hours of calling later one lady picks up who said S would never be able to leave his problem and his mom died due to her own fault.
Great counseling.
If by chance you are lucky someone returns your call, 9/10 times they won't accept insurance.
Wait they accept insurance? They can only see you in the middle of the workday five weeks from now.

Forget the medical system. When things got really rough for me I reached out to who I thought were my good friends who promptly started ignoring me. Most people will keep you at arms length and why shouldn't they?! Compassion is time consuming and time is money. And people are too strapped with mortgages and car loans and credit car debt to care for you.
Those that don't have that don't have compassion..
Either way. In short. You're fucked.
Even your best of friends will check in occasionally until life consumes them. Life consumes everyone. So what if it consumes you too?
No one truly cares at least on an ongoing basis until you're truly gone and then the I didn't see it Coming and not her starts.

Really?
Didn't see it coming?!

I've been fighting with myself and reaching out to numerous people openly saying I'm in a bad place I need help and. You get a short time band-aid and that's it.
I've been masking and masking and masking for so long I've truly become dysfunctional. A walking zombie going through the motions of my day waiting for it to be over, 1 more day closer to death or relief.

Kia dua karun?! Ay Allah swt enough? Tried that. This is more than I can bear. I'm broken and I have nothing left to give. I'm losing my mind. Relief? Tried that.

There's nothing but darkness and I'm lost in it. I get maybe a day or two of light and then it'd back in this hole where I literally can't manage to stand up. I.
Did I ever mean anything to anyone enough that my life was worth saving?
For how long would it destroy parents and siblings, my loss? Is that a lesser time than what I currently have the energy and courage to endure?
At times the answer is yes. Those are the times when you pull the trigger or tighten the noose.

Spinning in ashes.

E

feel like writing but not sure of what.

maybe I need to focus on the article I read yesterday about self-forgiveness. Find all the excuses for the mistakes I made, write them out, air them out, face them square, stop grovelling with myself for their acceptance, let my rationality stare them down until they hide in the shadows, and then maybe then... i can embrace the quivering little girl for making the huge mistakes she made.
maybe that's the first step out of this sticky spider web.

i can't help this girl crying in the mud right now because i too, am judging her, am mad at her, disappointed with her choices... i can't self-love if i'm so busy being so very very angry with my self.

self-love when it comes to crepes, sleep, netflix, reading books, swinging on a swing, retail therapy, beach, water, air, sun, is all just bandaids. self-love is when you help the struggling you stand up on her feet, wipe the tears and the grime, and nudge her back towards to her path.

stumbling but at least moving. harkat mein barkat.

this for the newnew. this for the 444. this for. holdingonandlettinggo.

eeda

middle

Sometimes we wish to sleep so we can forget.

Sometimes we wish to forget so we can sleep.



I can't sleep

and I can't forget

 

E

what it feels like/losing my mind

anxiety feels like having too many tabs open in your mind with jammed scripts
it feels like giving the dials to radio transistors to a child, multiple frequencies and voices blaring in your mind at different volumes at once
it feels like a tightness in your chest like having an invisible rubber band around your upper ribcage
it feels like a 30lb stone sitting in the middle of your lungs
it feels like breathing deeper and still feeling like you're drowning because you don't have enough oxygen
it feels like a migraine
it feels like a taut smile
it feels like forgetting a 10:00am call is actually at 10:30am
it feels like waking up after a night full of rushed worried stressful dreams only to realize that reality is no relief either
it feels like running a marathon in your sleep and running one while you're awake
it feels like rolling up a boulder with both shoulders up a steep incline, only to have it roll down again when you stop to take a breather
it feels like inadequacy
it feels like disorder
it feels like things being out of array
it feels like lack of control
it feels like wanting to crawl into a blanket and not coming out because of sheer muscle exhaustion
mental and emotional and physical
it feels like wanting to smile but not having the energy to
it feels like wanting to cry but not having the energy to
it feels like today
right now. this minute.
it feels like isolation. it feels like loneliness
it feels like being in the middle of a desert without a map at night

it feels right now,

like me.

-eeda

garbage

There are butterflies circling my head

Yellow and blue like
Termites from my dreams. There is
Blackness by my ears the
Ringing inside the curtains inside
My head. Echoes are like
Looking through seaglass. Muffled my memories
I am living, loving in darkness again.
In shadows and secret no one
Will embrace me no one
Is proud to wear me on their sleeves the way
I wear everyone on my heart, yellow blue
Termite jewels in the blackness.
.....

Ode in pieces

You, honey words enough
To balm my aching heart spewing
Tar. lets hold off one night I don't
Have to dream of my clinging to your arm threading
Myself nimbly tenderly into your fragile
Fingers you push me roughly away from yourself
Glaring, honeyblack eyes I
Just need you to see to see to see me.
Just need to be seen.
.......

Pretty smart girls are seen but not heard.

.......

This hole I have been in before. Welcome back friend.

Haunted eyes I am the haunted and the haunting
Nightmare in my sleep nightmare
Awake.
.......

Choking

Letting go of summer sticky sweetness, take

My fingers out of the poison pot, green
Lurid like vomit I have been licking
Like heaven food killing
Myself inside but convinced I am
Breathing here just fine.
......

Hollow madness this

Is what that looks like.

.....

I will always have more love to give than I get and that

Is my life's biggest tragedy and my
Ultimate undoing.

....

-eeda                    

firsts

Aaj bhi khud se lardh leye

Aaj bhi tum ko yaad kiya
Na chah ker bhi is dil ne
Bhool jane se inkar kiya

Na subh tulu hona rukti hai

Na waqt kabhi tham jata hai
Mujh se bade ziddi aur bhi hain
Azma ke yeh jaan leya

Na Tum kabhi yeh samjho gay

Is zid mein kaise haar gaye
Aj phir tum hi jee gaye
Humne phir khud ko maar leya

Kia yaad karogay, yeh jeet bhi lo

Apne mein magun, khush raho
Tum jahan ishq ke jhande gardh gaye
Hum ne waheen dafn hone per israr keya

-eeda

29

I have a tradition. Every year I write down the number of things I learnt over the last year I want to remember the year ahead. Better late than never, here's 29 at 29.

1. Going through the loss of a loved one, planned or unplanned, is the most traumatic thing you will ever experience. Death is a part of life but loss doesn't get easier the more you lose.

2. I will never get used to sing goodbyes or walking away. It is the most profoundly disturbing thing I have or will ever deal with.

3. You can fall in love again, but be careful who you fall in love with.

4. There is no limit to how many times you think your heart can break. Break it will.

5. Everyone you love will disappoint you at some point. You have to learn to minimize expectations.

6. On that note, expectations are premeditated disappointments.

7. For better or worse, life will continue to surprise you.

8. My hardest battle is fear, and of that, fear of abondonment followed by fear of entrapment (in closed small spaces or held against my will) followed by fear of failure.

9. Success does not guarantee contentment. Success does not guarantee contentment.

10. Be careful of what things suck the soul of you. Because everything you give yourself to, takes a bit out of you. Be careful of the price you pay.

11. Don't ignore the red flags. Don't ignore your gut feeling.

12. No matter what the world says, taking off your rosy sunglasses that make it easier to cope, won't make things better.

13. Loneliness is the worst thing in the world (see fear of abondonment)

14. Learning to selfsoothe is a very very very important survival skill.

15. Self care does not equal selfishness. It does not come naturally but you absolutely need it to survive.

16. To Love does not mean to have.

17. Yes there will be others who will have it all. Have ask the love. All the family. All the success. All the friends. Kids. Houses. Wealth. Deen. IT.DOES.NOT.MATTER. You are not behind. You are not late. Be grateful.

18. Cherish your parents. No one will ever love you like they do. No one will ever support you like they do. No one will ever forgive you like they do.

19. That battle inside yourself? Stop fighting it. Forgive yourself. Perfection is unattainable.

20. There is no knight in shining armor.

21. Learn to set clear boundaries around yourself. Do not tolerate everything because of your fear of confrontation.

22. Stop letting fear rule your life.

23. It is not your job to fix everyone you love.

24. True happiness is in being loved without doubt.

25. No matter how dark or gets, always find a reason to live. To keep going.

26. Things worth holding onto : your sanity, sense of humor, generosity of spirit, softness of heart, kindness, honesty, Imaan, optimism, ability to love unconditionally.

27. Things to let go off: fear, anger, betrayel, lying, impatience, holding onto stress, inability to let go

28. You are more than the sum of all your problems

29. Your life isn't over yet. It is just beginning. Chin up.

-eeda

 

E

lately

We accept the love we think we deserve

Love is not supposed to hurt.

I have spent my life seeking love that hurt or making love hurt me because that was the only way I knew for it to be real. Is it really love if it doesn't hurt?

Is there anything in this world that doesn't hurt?  Everything hurts. When it doesn't hurt it terrifies me. I wait with bated breath for it to break because.

Well because.

Revelations

…………………

Wad duha. There is darkness but you are not foresaken.

Two people today said to me today I exaggerate things. Worry too much. Care too much about everything. Too much "in" everything.
I don't take criticism well but I need to hear it because I'm so off balance. I need a break to literally find myself again.
I've been hear before when I lost myself. It took forever to come back to myself. It took getting down to the deepest part of the black abyss to realize I needed help coming back up, and that is when I had sought professional help.
I'm almost at the bottom again. I can see the depth through the black water reflecting my fear back at me.
I know I need help. Badly.

Which is why I'm latching onto every temporary band aid I find. People. Things. Food. Music. Sleep. But regardless into that blackness I must go to come out the other side. No point dragging hands and feet trying to climb out of it pleadingly.

Lets see where this goes. Spirals, skinned shins, sinking, senseless.

Facts. Let's stick to facts.

…………………….

It's easier to be numb.

I'm doing all the things I do when I get into this mood.
Push everyone away. Stop talking much. Stop eating.
Take sleeping pills and sleep alot. Started smoking again (0 nicotine ecig) and the relief was a amazing.
Listened to tiesto blaring. I remember when this happened in college and I went to that underground club and had danced all night.
Want to go dancing again. Want to close my eyes and lose myself and not think for a change. This is what this is. I want to put my life away on a nice little shelf and take a second to just breaaaatheeee. Process everything and everyone.

Self destruct? I don't know what this is.

Liberation or destruction.
I don't know. I'm just dancing with my eyes closed. Spinning until something stops me.
Clouds and cliffs and smoke.

Chan kithan?

………………………..

It is not easy this

Breaking apart of things, relationships, people.

………………………….

Maybe the reason for this turmoil is just that. I need to find my way back. From the ram to the doe.

……………………..

Aise berehem hogaye ke afsos-e-alvida na raha.

Eeda

disconnected

Something is really really off with me. I think this time I've pushed myself way past my limits.My sleep is off. My head hurts. Migraine. Nausea. My brain will not shut off no matter what I do or how tired I am. I'm anxious. Restless. Ears ringing. Head on fire. Scared something bad will happen any day now because I haven't had such a long peaceful stretch in a while. Vivid dreams that are leaving me confused. Feeling out of it. Disinterested. Unhappy. Crying alot more than usual. Don't want to continue living because don't see any reason for it. Don't want sex. Don't want to be touched. Don't care if anyone cares about me. Don't want to care about anyone either. Void. Limbo.

this time really feeling like crossed a new dimension.

-Eeda

wrapping up these pieces of me

This the room.
I had entered, newly wed
Starry eyed, 23
Uprooted everything, repainted
The walls, the doors, the siding with
My sweet innocent dreams.
Laid the laminate floor
Panel by panel like building
Blocks to my soul, interconnected
Mine with his
We
Hugged here and danced
On these floors while cooking
And making
Food, memories,
Love. I still
Remember the sweet hot
Summer nights we laid in each others
Arms and spoke of the future
Children. Careers
Travel. Us.
How you had hugged me
That one time the basement flooded, how
We got rid of the fleas the cat
Bought in. And the dead
Bird. How
I set my first living room with $550 and
How I proud I wad of the warmth it bought others
And to my own heart.
I've forgotten the bitterness, the tears
The feeling of being caged, some
Cages are better than others. My
Adult heart and old eyes look
Fondly now at the nest we had built
Now crumbling. I miss
The tender naivete I can still
Sense her presence walking around. Building
Hopeful
Optimistic
If only she knew what was to come.
If only she knew one day she would be sitting here
Wishing for simpler days
Wishing for the happiness unlike any she had ever known
Wishing for the love unlike any she had ever felt
Wishing for her youth, her sweet tender eyes
And his sweet tender hugs
If only she knew.


Eeda

As things go from bad to worse Eeda.. I want you to remember this
There is no knight in shining armor.
There is nobody who will come for you in the middle of the night to save you because you are terrified.
Nobody who will surprise you because you are scared
Or alone.
Pity me doesn't work.
Need you definitely doesn't work.
Stop expecting people to do things the way you would in their shoes.

YOU are your own knight in shining armor.
You are the knight, the gold the silver the brass of the armor, the savior the salvation the hope and the dream.. Its just YOU that needs to save yourself when you are alone or terrified or broken or sick or exhausted.
Don't you DARE depend on anyone.
Ever again.

You silly child. You were born for greater things than relying on men.
Let the drowning man drown Eeds.
Save yourself.

No one's coming.

Anguish

My heart my heart my heart I left behind.

I'm screaming on the inside. Just ask me once. Are you ok?
No I'm not.
Do you need help?
Yes. Yes I do.
Mein kia karun?
Mujhe bacha lo. Yahan se le jao.
Bus.

Screaming screaming screaming on the inside.
Help
Help
Help

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe

Yes you can
Breathe
Remember the glimpse of him you saw when he hugged you and held you at the beach
Breathe
Remember all is not lost
As you stick your head out the window and sang, what is it that you did in gulps and lung full, embracing the moment? You
Breathed
When he poured his heart out to you in the car and you finally remembered what it felt like to love him even fleetingly? You
Breathed
When you drove to the house and remembered driving up the first time and throwing up at the curb and late night walks and remembering how it was you smiled at him and he smiled too you remembered you used to
Breathe
When he kissed you like he meant it and you felt it like you used to
That is how you had, all those years ago, learnt how to
Breathe

So now when he says the words about you and his dad and the heartache so deep it takes your breath away, when he curses and cries and you have to get your own iftar after driving 2.5 hours and cleaning and chores and cooking all day yesterday and sehri and his drunk behavior at night and how you just stormed out of the house heart in your mouth heartbeat in your lung but not much else and you want to scream for it to stop because you can't breathe
Remember Eeds
Its just the moment. You know how to breathe. Remember you know how. Remember the love. Remember that you can and that you have and that you will. Remember this is just a moment and it is not invincible, You are.
Breathe my jaan. Inhale. This too shall pass.

Breathe.

Rage

silent screaming yellowredhot rage curling
inside from intestines intertwining with
reason rationale morality sanity
everything is lost
in a burning fire that rips
me to shreds i
don't know who i am is this
how burn victims feel when
they see trauma, nightmares of
burning houses screams and
no water no relief no one
to save them?
i want to scream
and scream
and scream i feel like i left
a child in the house that
burned down
(the child was me)
i'm
knee deep in ashes, quicksand i
cannot get up, cannot get out, cannot
do not cave
in, still and frozen, Medusa's
wrath i am goddess
victim, slain and
spared
which do i be grateful for?
what (who) do i mourn?





.....................................................................................
someone please light out the fire
it's consumed me.


-Eeda

-->

belonging, a sense of purpose, beauty, immense happiness, innocence which seems to have been lost from the world, a little bit of shararat, a sense of longing, like a dream which is far away but thinking about it feels like it's achievable, poetry