Nostalgia

of a bad kind.

heads up- this post will be MAH-JOR-LYY emo. so unless its a choice between this and say, a research article on ''The functionality and contributive dimension of a toothpick towards furthering the cause of World Peace''... do yourself a favor and stay away from this. have an anti-depressant or two.. go to la-la land.
though come to think of it, if there ever WAS a research article titled that, id DEF read it.
whatttttttt?????? i LIKE toothpicks. FASCINATING objects that they are.

enuf of the warning.

i used to think that i'd gotten over it. the past i mean. the glorious reason for which my mum and dad sent me here. kinda like, 'we're now going to wreck ur life, and then send u away to heal it.' and no i wasn this way JUST because of the genes. nature and friggin nurture.
i feel liek swearing alot more these days.
so, as i was sayingggg...i thought the fear had gone. that fear that had killed me my entire life. fear that something will go wrong, fear that ami abu will fight, fear that i wont get enuf A's and not make anyone proud, fear that my bro and sis would take after me, fear of this and that..that all-consuming thing swiveled around me constantly, choking and drowning..i ws sooo edgy and anxious all the time.
note. ALL.the.time.
and then they noticed. and then they hurt. and then they sent me here so i cud heal and not make the mistakes they made to make me what i am today. and i thought i was okay, especially since Golf had done a good job of helping me get over most stuff, i have to give him that much credit.
and then two days ago something happened and i realized that i hadn't forgotten. that it hadnt left me. it was just, quelled. pushed down.subsided. but not escaped..and even though it lasted just a second, but it.bought.back.every.single.memory. EVERY single damn one. the fights, the quarrels, the screaming, the violence.trying to fix things. trying not to let them see..the fits, the suicide attempt... when khalu left my room. not when he entered, cuz when he entered i had no fear, i had no reason to fear..but by the time he left, i knew. and everything changed.. and its still always there, i'm always scared shitless that he might relapse, and ill b alone. and the time with that driver in the middle of nowhere. the time when i got lost in Mecca. the time when i opened up my ILC results in the middle of a deserted computer lab in Manhattan College. the time when dadu died. the time when Aum died. fear of loss. fear of being hurt.

it's still there.

and im scared of it. im scared to be scared. i dont EVER want to feel that again. and no matter how hard ive tried to be strong and how tough i appear to be, i've fooled Everyone here, except for myself. every-fuckin-person believes im this happy lil kid who skips between the flowers and nothing gets her down cuz shes get her head on straight and she takes shit from noone.

lie.

and i keep saying it. i am still a child. that doesn't mean its always about the rainbows and the candy.

i want to get this Out of me. somehow.

which is ANOTHER good reason why i wanna get high. ahahha...see it all works out.

oh, and roachie left for egypt. he very generously told me this yesterday. didn't care to say bye. and wont see him for another month or so.
u know what, i SERIOUSLI need to get rid of all the kachra in my life. i've got way too much of it.
(and oh armie, kachra means trash :P LOL.)

okay enuf rambling..gotta study, been putting it off tooooooooooo long.

oh oye, one last secret before we go. its not mine, but it explains why i stay up to talk to armie and to drug and to whoever the hell else.


oh-so-emo
hand me a razor sumone..boohoo. baahaa more like.
cynicism.


when ur alone, u think. when u think,
u.go.mad.
soo..... trade brains for cocaine.
bahahaaaahahahahaaa..

ima kill miself with my lame jokes. theyre LETHAL..lol...
oh, and hakuna matar everyone, because peas are goooooood..
-eeda.

ps. that was another lame joke.