okay..ive been meaning to do this for a while now but cudnt find the time or more honestly, was gettin intimidated by the amount of stuff to tell..haha..and u know me, i love doin the details and analyses and all of evry tiny lil thing ......soo yeh....lemme start..
well firstly, heres a shout out to sandra, u were right bout patrick all along..he is a selfish arse of a person, and thats when im being nice in my description..basicalli whut happened before i left is that i found out sum nasty lil secrets bout him, including the fact that one of the reasons him and his ex werent getting on well was cuz she was pregnant...nd he was the daddy ofcourse..nd well she got an abortion , yeh shes online 17 and yes hes an arse..no more details but not cause im embarrassed to write it, but because im finalli over,,i realli dont give a rats flying arse ( which i wudnt give to anyone in any case) but yeh...i was going over my previous blogs and i saw just how much id mentioned him and how hes not worth it, ..callous insensitive selfish wart of a person..i cant imagine how thick id hav been to even bother a little about him..
anywayss,, so the trip to europe was great...a little messy, cuz thats how all family trips are, but nuthing i cant handle..or actualli at time i did wonder why the hell i bothered to come but then there was times that more than made up for it..i loved snuggling into mum and dj and all....the first 5 nights we spent in paris, lived just off the champs d'elseeys ( rong spelling i know) ..btw im not writing this to bore u guys with stuff,, i wanted a record so i rememebr whut we did..cuz i completly forgot about all mi other trips..lozl.....first day we took an open bs tour and went round, stopping off at sacre couer- highest place in paris ..a hill with a lil church on top,,and notre dame with its famous bells and stained glass paintings..those two were the onli important ones i remeber..we went to eiffel tower and arc del' truimphe one sum other day..this is obv not in chronolgical order...the arc was 300 steps one way trip, so 600 up and down,,it was cicular stairways inside a pillar and it was hot and stuffy and dizzying..the eiffel tower was 700 steps one way so 1500 both ways..need i say more? excrucciatingli long climb..but it spread a sense of shared endurance and everyone going up was givin each other motivational speeches...so it was perfectly normal to tell the occasional passing stranger sweatily puffin along , ' 432 steps more to go..we can DO THIS!!! ''
.amazin view from the top..worth the climb? i dunnoothe top was actualli swaying in the wind,, tht was freaki..anyways the next day or one of the days we jus went downtown and went shopping and then me and mi bro and sis watched oceans 13 in this cinema opposite our hotel,..while mum and dad went to a fashion show on mums request..lolz..the things they do for love...
one day we went to the louvre..saw most of the million paintings in ther..saw mona lisa and frankli, had to look twice to make sure it was her..it was jus a small lil square on a huge wall with a huge crowd..and its gt the grandest painting covering an entire wall just oppsite it..personalli, that other painting deserved mroe merit than mona lisa..lol..
anyways,,went to disneyland..sat on all rollercoasters..mi fav one was this insane lil finding nemo one where they plummet u around a building in pitch black darkness from weird heights and 360 turns ..all rollercoasters were indoors, funnily enuf..anyways, that day dad was realli pissed off iremeber..cnt remeebr the reason...at night there was an amazing fireworks show,, realli magical,,they had this one wher a tiny golden dot went up and exploded into golden dust falling down..literalli like dust.....
the way bacck was long and it was the onli train back to paris so it was crampeeeed...we managed to get two seats and the whole family kinda jus dissolved onto it, we were that tired..we had gone round the whoole park in every section in one day,,no mean task....so mum saat with dj on her, dad with me and nizam on either leg...i dont think ill ever forget tht....
whut else...one day we went to th palaces of louie the 16th in versailles with huge manicurd gardens..according to ma, (she got confused) the palacce was created by King Henry the Louie..that was funny..lol..there was place there thats called the hall of mirrors,,beautiful beautiful plac..ill try and post pics soon..
then we drove to brussels, rented a car first..nizam did the navigating and i happily let him take over cuz 1-that meant i cud sleep at the back and 2-it meant dad and nizam wwere actualli interacing and itd giv dad a reason to b proud of of nizam
in brussels we shopped, clothes were cheap there..and the one remarkable place we saw ws called mini europe which was actualli mini representations of all the notable buildings in europe..so a small eiffel tower and a tower of pisa and all..scaled 1:25..there we got key chains made with our family photo in them, i still hav one..good comfort during boring math lectures,,
.i was lookin for sum other symbol/souvenir of belgium i cud take with me tht id rememebr , like an eiffel tower keychain from paris.....and well..its known for..
wait for this-
a child
yeh cute lil child....but it doesn end here..
its a child
Naked
Pissing
(wait therss more)
holding his
u know whut..
yes,,,THATS their special symbol..ull find statues of it in all the souvenir shops and all the keychains.....and i thought, hmm..i DONT wnna b recognised as the pedo carrying a keychain of a pissin kid round ...so i didnt buy it..i mean i DO hav a rep- and it doesn involve naked males of any age..and i wanna leave mi rep that innocent lil way , thank u all very much....
then we went to amsterdam...the famous red light district- the centre of naughty lil women ( well not lil certainly) its called red light cuz prostitues sit in their windows at night with red light illuminating them from behind in the red light district..no, we obv did not go theru pervs......
the hotel we had there was amazin, cept the bathroom was in the corridor....and mi bed was right next to these huge french windows wihich looked out onto this avenue thru which there was a canal,,,not a dirty one, liek a small stream with tiny bridges across it and all..romantic yes.....the whole city is made of canals cuz its reclaimed lland- it was all sea before and they kinda jus built on top of it....because of which, they wanted to squeeeze the whole city in the smallest place available..BECAUSE ( yeh its like a bloodi chain reaction thing, hear me out) the taxes on property are on how wide the house is..so the house is thin and longggggg ( like me..) and since they didnt wanna waste the space they have, they make huge rooms with petite corridors and many floors, and practicalli vertical stairs..like ladders..
anyways we went to a couple places there....anne franks house too...tht was fun, and a little sad to actualli see it after havin read so much abt it so long ago..it made it more alive- seein her room and all..more chilling..more reall.....
went to the windmills too..tht was funn..pretty..wher daddy got mummy a diamond ring, such bling bling..tht rhymesssssssss ya'alll...hahahah,,such love...
neways..then we went to germany....wher in germany i cant rememebr...lol...THATS how boring it was..waste of a day..saw sum random stuff again..lol
whut i do rememebr is that our hotel was at the begiiniing of a road which housed all the worst kind of sex theatres and weird shops..u know whut kind i mean...with neon red signs advertising..er....human species of a more female nature..er..........it wasnt deliberate..it ws jus this weird coincidence..europe is a VERY naughty place.......not for us innocent kids, oh no no no....
and then we went out lookin for food ..this is still in germany.....and v cross a restaurant called..desi frnds wait for this- shahid da dhaba....LIKE omg...in bloodi frankfurt too..Wait,.. another OMG....late drum roll..i jus remmebered where we were ..frankfurttttttttt.......YAY......lightbulbs and tubelights and friggin all kinds of bulb-y lights and light lights Flashingggggg...cuz im so damn smart... ( those flashin lights come from evrywher)
do i make any sense? NO?
good..that means im back to normal agin..YAY...
anyway. dhaba paki food in the middle of the night in bloodi europe-------> (oily) heavenly Bliss......
cost us 30 euros and a morning full of weird stomach aches all round...
went to switzerlandddddddddddddd..zurich was boring,...and dramatic..picture this- lost family, tired, sleepy, reaches foreign land in the dead of the night after driving round in circles for gudness knows-,and is informed that all hotels are sold out cuz of sum conference in city and the onli ones u get are the 700 euros suites or the cheap shady hotels in the weird part of town....whthe latter is where we eneded up stayin..lol...and it was rainy and gettin the stuff from the car to the hotel was so annoying...and then we go in and passa a bar,,dint go thru it, passed the door,,and im SURE there were sum strippers int there cuz all the guys were goin oh yeahhhhhhhh and they were so drunk..it was scary and exhilirating in a weird kind of way..
the room were damn tiny and the stars creaked...it was liek in a hollywood movie..that night me and mi sis and dad slept in one room and mi bro and mum in another ..cuz thery were 2 floors apart and all night guys, or sorry, men ( i HAD to make the distinction cuz if they were guys id hit on em...kinda..not...lolllllll) ran up and down the wooden floors makina racket outside ...ther was sum nice church / square there..beautiful river flowin thru..at night we ate out and dad ws liek go back to the car and ill b back , get sum cigarettes and all..and on the way sum teens passsed highly drunk and mi mum panics, rushes us into the car and locks all doors, bless her..shes neevr realli encountered drunk people before so i guess it intimidates her...lol
anyways..then we drove onto a town called interlakkan..and i see why it is that people call this place a slice of heaven..rolling green meadows and clear blue skies and huge green torquoise blue lakes..it was beautifull...in interlakkan we went to jungfraujoch- the highest mountain in europe..by train..we thought theyd giv extra warm sweaters or sumthin on top, and thought we dressed warm- we go up there and the temperatures like......-4!!! YUP......in the middle of summer..our butts froze- but , they thankfulli didnt fall off and i still hav sum left as proof..tht was nasty..LOL.....and mi nose became non existenet..and mi toes went on vacation and dint come back till 4 hours after....cudnt feel em..
to reach the top of the moutain u hav to go throw it..inside , it was all snow and ice scuptures,,and they were beautiful cept we were too cold to stand and stare, jus clicked a few pics and ran the hell outta ther,,,,,the top of the moutain was..high..and there was snow..YES..for the first time in mi life i made a snowball and threw it at mi bro....fun.....theres apparently a bollywood restaurant too , famous cuz all big indi celebs hav been ther..its costs a HUGE amount of money so we went to hav a look, BUT, no sharukh khan or ashwariya waitin to greet us..so we got offended and decided to stick to our cheese pizza back in town......lol..
thennn we went explorin the towns around..it was realli pretty..dad went paragliding early in the next mronin,,accordin to him , his initial thoughts were- '
''what am i doin? i hav lil kids to look after,? whut if sumthin happens to me...omgggggg..im panickin...''
haha....BUT..its actualli quite safe..and we were there to see him land..and we was dman excited..in the end he decided to send us too..and mi, was it fun...they gave us sum weird boots and jackets to wear and a helmet...loaded us in a van with sum other people.....reach the top of a mountain and ask us to choose a partner or theyd choose u..a ( very hot very ute lemme tell u..) guy caled pete chose me ..( i hav pictures as proof, he WAS hot) they strap u in..and u runnnnnnnnnn of the edge of a mountain..and then ur airborne.. and its SO cool.....he took me high to the clouds..and it was so pretty..then above the lakes..then we did this air roller coaster thng and at one point ur like lying flat against the sky staring at the city down..it was gorgeous and exhilarating..he tok pics of up while we were there and ima scan them and put them up as soon as icann..
whut else..
we went to geneva..and we were sittin at the edge of this lake..and khadeeja thought, mi mi , my shoe needs a wash..so proceeded to drop it into the lake..yes,, how embaraasing....well it was a mistake lol..the nthere were iron rings built into the side of a wall that led down to the lake- and nizam played romeo and climbed down to the muck among the swans and got the shoe out...bloodi romantical....lol
yes, swans..beautifullllllllllllllllllllll creatures with desperately ugly feet...
anywaysssssssss....then we drove round round round lookin for sum hotel to giv us a room for few hours cuz we had to fly out the same night and needed a place to pack..finalli got this petite room with a single tiny bed on which first, me and mum and nizam and dj managed to cram..we were all lying sideways and so close there was no room to breathe..eventualli under dj and nizams wiggling, we decided it wasn workin so dad and nizam and dj sumhow crammed on there ( yes miracles do happen) and me and mum acked for a while then slept on the floor..
then we got up went to the airport..did the whole crying drama....well mama did and then she left and they came back to wave over and over again...and well once they did their final byes , i did a lil ''water fountain' show of mi own.....
then i waited for mi fligth and proceeded to travel here wth no amazin encounters with anyone on the plane..unfortunately...
in montreal tho, there was alil mess up with mi luggage, i was supposed to pick it up and re-sign it in for vancouver but didnt know ..so the airlines said theyd hav to pass it thru customs themselves and if i wwaited for em to do it mi flight wud leave and ill b stuck in montreal and the best thng was to forget the luggage and theyd send it to vanc later...i was distraught- had had a terribly long flight and the flight attendant was highly rude- in an understatement..so i had water fountain scene part 2.....yes yes, im out to cure all water famines in this world..UN, recruit me now...
anywayssss..thts all for mi trip for now..i know its a lil rushed and way boring, but i HAD to do it for miself aite..u need not read it..if ur still readin- AWWWWWWWWW,,u loyal loyal BORED friends of mine...lol.......the next blog is gnna b an update on whut ive been upto snce i got here...
all mi crapp for now
much love to all...
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Saturday, August 18, 2007
No Goodbyes-
hey ya'all..lolz....ive been happy lately cuz despite all the sstruggles, things are turning around...YES YES YES..lolz..im leavinf for france and all in about 4 hours so im gnna keep this ne short...
first- the following vid is one of mi most fav songs..its by cheesy lil ol' Blue..lolz.....they never did an official vid but this is the best i cud come up with.....
"No Goodbyes"
Yeah no more tears, no more goodbyes
Don't you know it's time for me to go
Even though it hurts to see you cry
But don't you know you'll never be alone
If you hold me deep inside (oh yeah)
You know that Iwould rather stay
But now before I turn away
There's one last thing to you
I want to say
[Chorus]
Baby there's no goodbyes
I'll always be right by your side
I may be far away
You know that my heart will stay, with you, always
Now I've pictures in the distance
Even though it seems a million miles
But there'll be no space between us
I'll be there everytime you close you eyes. Yes I will (oh)
You know that I would rather stay
But now before I turn away
There's one last thing to you
I want to say
[Chorus]
I don't wanna say words that people say
Cos when I go away, my love will stay
In the heart of you to help you make it trough
Baby that is why there can be no. No goodbyes
[Chorus x2]
You know what no more goodbyes
and if u guys hav an ounce of sense- which, since ur mi friends, i belive u do- lolz, ud realise this song is dedicated to u lot..lolz.i realli do miss u guys...
ok news in quickie-
-i got the visa, messed up the ticket, ran around town but finalli got in done,
-got 3 Bs in micro econ, english and philosophy for mi first term..it ain't amazing bt considering all the work and all, it aint half bad either..esp the mark in english..lolz
-hmm....patricks been talkin to me a lot...haha......i dont start any convos anymore, given whut happened..but yeh, hes been telling me allllllll about himself,,,and u know whut? i think he's a MAJOR ass with no idea of whut hes doing...its a wonder his gf stuck thru with him for so long.....i realli realli realli feel bad for her, and she was onli 16 too.....hes a complete weird freak of a guy,...i wont tell u guys why now..cuz im still horrified miself,..lolz..but yeh, maybe later..one thing is for sure,, i cant ever like him that way again...or even if i do, i wont ever trust him...or let him too close........jus not worth it
-ezra's an adowableeeee idiot..lolz...we had such a cute lil convo a while back..haha..no time now but ill definittely post it up next time
-no more news ..lolz..im off now, hope u guys have an AMAZIN 2 weeks...and hav read this by the time i come back,, >(......haha..its aite, i knw ur all busy..
-LUV U LOADSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS......and ever and ever and ever...llolz
me me me me meeeeeeeeeee..........
first- the following vid is one of mi most fav songs..its by cheesy lil ol' Blue..lolz.....they never did an official vid but this is the best i cud come up with.....
"No Goodbyes"
Yeah no more tears, no more goodbyes
Don't you know it's time for me to go
Even though it hurts to see you cry
But don't you know you'll never be alone
If you hold me deep inside (oh yeah)
You know that Iwould rather stay
But now before I turn away
There's one last thing to you
I want to say
[Chorus]
Baby there's no goodbyes
I'll always be right by your side
I may be far away
You know that my heart will stay, with you, always
Now I've pictures in the distance
Even though it seems a million miles
But there'll be no space between us
I'll be there everytime you close you eyes. Yes I will (oh)
You know that I would rather stay
But now before I turn away
There's one last thing to you
I want to say
[Chorus]
I don't wanna say words that people say
Cos when I go away, my love will stay
In the heart of you to help you make it trough
Baby that is why there can be no. No goodbyes
[Chorus x2]
You know what no more goodbyes
and if u guys hav an ounce of sense- which, since ur mi friends, i belive u do- lolz, ud realise this song is dedicated to u lot..lolz.i realli do miss u guys...
ok news in quickie-
-i got the visa, messed up the ticket, ran around town but finalli got in done,
-got 3 Bs in micro econ, english and philosophy for mi first term..it ain't amazing bt considering all the work and all, it aint half bad either..esp the mark in english..lolz
-hmm....patricks been talkin to me a lot...haha......i dont start any convos anymore, given whut happened..but yeh, hes been telling me allllllll about himself,,,and u know whut? i think he's a MAJOR ass with no idea of whut hes doing...its a wonder his gf stuck thru with him for so long.....i realli realli realli feel bad for her, and she was onli 16 too.....hes a complete weird freak of a guy,...i wont tell u guys why now..cuz im still horrified miself,..lolz..but yeh, maybe later..one thing is for sure,, i cant ever like him that way again...or even if i do, i wont ever trust him...or let him too close........jus not worth it
-ezra's an adowableeeee idiot..lolz...we had such a cute lil convo a while back..haha..no time now but ill definittely post it up next time
-no more news ..lolz..im off now, hope u guys have an AMAZIN 2 weeks...and hav read this by the time i come back,, >(......haha..its aite, i knw ur all busy..
-LUV U LOADSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS......and ever and ever and ever...llolz
me me me me meeeeeeeeeee..........
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
BitterSweet
long long long long long day...
add another long..
wher?
between the long and the long...
slept at 4 am ...woke at 6 ..went to uni...saw ez with his adorable lil glasses he wears..he doesn wear contacts on days he has exams, incase they bug him..oh, and he completly forgets to shave......hahaha...so he looked lost and confused ..like a lil 14 yr old...anyways,, the exam was ohkayyyy....i did okay i think..it was easier thn i thought..wayne ws there...sat next to me and ez...bianca and tommy sat far far away.....tommy cuz he cudn fight a seat and like bianca gives a damn anymore anyway...
finished earlier thani thought i wud..went to see ez in library who had alreadyfinished 15 mins earlier..big surprise there......haha...watched sum of his (lame) youtube vids, told him to get a life...said our goodbyes and hope u hav a gud time and the embassy doesn screw u up etc...
went and saw socrates guy on the way..went and said hey (yes armie i came out of mi wall for a whiile..) he seemed genuinely surprised tht i approached him....how can i tell?well
a) i have brains
b)i have eyes
c) it was kinda obv in the way he replied heyyyyyyyy,,,,
we talked..he seems nice...doin' joint psychology and minoring in phil....sweet guy...later on asks me,
him- is ezra ur best friend
me (startled)- no,,not best friend, but one of mi closest friends..
him-i thought u knew him frm before
me- i jus been here 3 months, onli became his frnd cuz of phil..
haha..best friend?! far from it....bt i pityed socrates...he seemed loneli...
then i went to the embassy..who made me wait....again....this time round the visa woman in charge didnt even look at me..the guard shooed me away sayin its not done yet,,no replies from french govt, we'll call u..
stunned and depressed and frustated beyond anything ive ever felt,,i walked out..called dad and mi aunt....told him id get ticket changed..told them id b late coming back home cuz i might hang out with sum friends..they said ok, don't worry..relax...so on.....all to make me feel ok...not like a failure.....tho thts all tht ive done.....haha..but wait,,,,the major major screw up is YET to come...
wandered round downtown waiting for patrick to come..he had an exam at 3 and was supposed to meet me at 4...tried calling travel agent, the machine said u needed coins..withdrew money frm atm, tried to get itchanged into coins ........but, out of the million shops around, they didnt hav any coins to give...finalli aftr walkin miles in circles, got 5 dollars worth of change, called, they put me on hold for those 5 minutes, card finished...
wht did i say to tht?
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
whut else was there to say?/
boiling now,i called mi aunt..she said buy a calling card..went to the other end of the world to get one.....meantime, got mi slightly expensive bra exchanged..turned out mi size is refusing to fit me now...and i tried evrything else but nuthing fits...either the cups too small or too big or the band is falling down or whutever..got a slightly loose version,, ran to make the call to travel agent again.....note-
1)according to mi aunt- loose bras have an advantage- they can b shared btween aunts and nieces..
2)the distance between wher i got the card to wher me and pat were supposed to meet and where the payphones were is 5 times ism....maybe more..i went up and down that road about 3 times today....not including other walking around that area too..and i hav mi aunty too..the onli way im surviving is panadol and brufen....haha..yeh don;t glare..thers realli no other way out...id die of the pain otherwise.....
well then i call them, a good hour before patricks about to come so i finish fixing the ticket thing on time..bt it doesn happen....and patrick comes by then.....and listen to this- the original ticket price is like 1600..the charges to get it transfered to another day?
1070.
yup..as much as the ticket...yup,no cheaper rates..yup i tried calling 10 times and arguing with them already..yup, the ticket is non refundable
and yes, we are screwed
and oh yes, hav to change it in the next 3 hours or risk losing the ticket altogther..
and yes, must remain sane and happy while doing that.
so..anyways,,i heard travel agent with one ear- called patrick adn told him where exactly i wwas with the other ear, and kinda tried to block out the chinese conversation and the arabic conversations from the two booths at the side of me , plus all the blaring music from the stores behind me...anyways..after an hour and 30 minutes of arguing, ihad no luck..the cheapest air ticket was still 1069..seeing patrick there made me smile tho..yes he's an asshole but why the hell can't i eevr be mad at him? i dont know why......grrrrr...i promised miself id leave the screaming for later- if i ever got the heart to do it
we went to a shop to pick up a jeans he had wanted..( onli 350 dollars....nothing special =P) yup the guys rich..doing odd jobs and his contests and whut not...then we wandered round downtown...looking for a restaurant..he was worried i wudnt eat anywhere cuz of halal meat/ generaal pickiness,,, so he kept making sure every place we stopped at had a huge veggie menu id like....finalli came to a cute lil thai restaurant,,,niccely done...and the food was AH-MAZING..i had veggie rice and tofu and sauce and all..he had rice and cod fish and all....but the food was realli good..and im sure expensive too..he said he had to go the bathroom, but it was an excuse to go and pay, so we wudnt fight over it.......see its little things like this tht make me like him..nd then he writes all tht trash...anyways, the dinner was a success....in gttin me ok fr a while again at least....we had realli gud time.......he told me things hes never told anyone, and trust me its not jus sumthing he was saying tht hes never told neone...the nature of the things were such tht im sure he WUD NOT hav told anyone..im sorry i cant write them here...,...
anywyas...we ate, we talked, we left...walked back to skytrain station,..train was cramped,,we were standing close..didn mean too.....:$......and he kept starin at me..and i blushed..and he said this is the last time we're ever gonna meet then..and i said i know..(and it hurt)....but it was true....then he asked if he dare hug me..and i laughed and i said i dont mind..and we hugged..''blush blush''..hahaha..OI its onli a hug...bt it ws a long-ish hug..and yeh it felt gud, esp after the whole stress of the day....and for the first time i felt mi walls coming down, and i ws bout to cry..BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT i didnt..OK???....dont go aw-ing for me now..
i said DONT....
jus reminded me of the time wen u cud run into ur mums hug or ur sissters or jus SUMONES and itd b okay for a while..a place where noone cud touch u...thts how it felt like, for the briefest of times..and it made me miss home...and rimaaaaaaa and armieeeeeeeee and sandyyyyyyyyyyy....cuz we used to hug every day....nd i didnt realise how much it meant to me and how much id miss it till i came here
..anywyas..his station came....side hug again..bye byes...lolz..
no, i didnt get miself to swear at him
or attack him...
dont glare u idiots......hes crap to me then he makes up for it and i jus didn know whut to say..
i swear i ws gonna write him an email but then he came online and said hie..and we talked some more..about realli personal stuff..hahah..big red blush coming up again....lolz...
and oh, he said i was soft..
OH SHUT UP ...haha.....no comment...
well thts that..its over now ..unofficialli....which means tht tho it hurts, its time for me to move on....to forget....to b ok...to not care for him and all the silly lil things hes does...
ps- he gpt me a book hed been goin pn and on about..the one called boundaries..UNFORTUNATELY..m iaunt saw me with it and has been hanging onto it since..shes gotten this annoying habit th she reads every book i get first..for whut reason i dont know...she jus reads EVRYTHING i get.....and its so annoyingg.. REALLI feel like reading it now but shes asleep on top of the book tho she promised shed come and give it to me..
.and what can u say to this..
another ARGHHHHHHHHHHH..
or if ur tired of argh-ing and having to open up ur mouth wide, do the shut-mouth anger expression..thts
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....
gnash teeth too...for added effect....=)
hmmmmm..............whut else....came home...finalli the euphoria faded..now im sittin with massive butterflies and stress about mi visa..its gotten to such a big complicated mess tht u three cant even imagine...heck, even i cant..we're losing about 1600 dollars...all cuz i didnt try hard enuf..and because aunt and uncle didn guide me whilst buying the ticket....and i cant say its ok, we make mistakes because this is ONE BIG mistake.....one exxpensive mistake...
anyways.....ive onli slept 4 hours in the last 24 hours and probabli wont sleep all night today till mi dad and his best frnd sort out mi ticket thngy in libya and tell me whut to do..and thts got to be before 4 am so ill b up till then..mi eyelids feeel like tins already and theyve already swollen up....its best i lay back and relax for a while now..lolz...
all mi crap for now..
luv u all
over and over and over and over....
eeedums..
ps-rima-theres better pictures,,,bt i dnt look like a kid in them..i look like im 25..haha..and im ..er....shy to post those up yet...er....hahaha.......ill send u this one if i gt time aite...?hope app s goin great with M*M* and armie with M*R*..hahahahahah........
xoxoxos..
ps-hers a song ive been lsnin to latelyy--loveeeeeee it
mario vasquez-ask abt mi luv
guh-roooovyyyyyyyy beat ...:)
add another long..
wher?
between the long and the long...
slept at 4 am ...woke at 6 ..went to uni...saw ez with his adorable lil glasses he wears..he doesn wear contacts on days he has exams, incase they bug him..oh, and he completly forgets to shave......hahaha...so he looked lost and confused ..like a lil 14 yr old...anyways,, the exam was ohkayyyy....i did okay i think..it was easier thn i thought..wayne ws there...sat next to me and ez...bianca and tommy sat far far away.....tommy cuz he cudn fight a seat and like bianca gives a damn anymore anyway...
finished earlier thani thought i wud..went to see ez in library who had alreadyfinished 15 mins earlier..big surprise there......haha...watched sum of his (lame) youtube vids, told him to get a life...said our goodbyes and hope u hav a gud time and the embassy doesn screw u up etc...
went and saw socrates guy on the way..went and said hey (yes armie i came out of mi wall for a whiile..) he seemed genuinely surprised tht i approached him....how can i tell?well
a) i have brains
b)i have eyes
c) it was kinda obv in the way he replied heyyyyyyyy,,,,
we talked..he seems nice...doin' joint psychology and minoring in phil....sweet guy...later on asks me,
him- is ezra ur best friend
me (startled)- no,,not best friend, but one of mi closest friends..
him-i thought u knew him frm before
me- i jus been here 3 months, onli became his frnd cuz of phil..
haha..best friend?! far from it....bt i pityed socrates...he seemed loneli...
then i went to the embassy..who made me wait....again....this time round the visa woman in charge didnt even look at me..the guard shooed me away sayin its not done yet,,no replies from french govt, we'll call u..
stunned and depressed and frustated beyond anything ive ever felt,,i walked out..called dad and mi aunt....told him id get ticket changed..told them id b late coming back home cuz i might hang out with sum friends..they said ok, don't worry..relax...so on.....all to make me feel ok...not like a failure.....tho thts all tht ive done.....haha..but wait,,,,the major major screw up is YET to come...
wandered round downtown waiting for patrick to come..he had an exam at 3 and was supposed to meet me at 4...tried calling travel agent, the machine said u needed coins..withdrew money frm atm, tried to get itchanged into coins ........but, out of the million shops around, they didnt hav any coins to give...finalli aftr walkin miles in circles, got 5 dollars worth of change, called, they put me on hold for those 5 minutes, card finished...
wht did i say to tht?
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
whut else was there to say?/
boiling now,i called mi aunt..she said buy a calling card..went to the other end of the world to get one.....meantime, got mi slightly expensive bra exchanged..turned out mi size is refusing to fit me now...and i tried evrything else but nuthing fits...either the cups too small or too big or the band is falling down or whutever..got a slightly loose version,, ran to make the call to travel agent again.....note-
1)according to mi aunt- loose bras have an advantage- they can b shared btween aunts and nieces..
2)the distance between wher i got the card to wher me and pat were supposed to meet and where the payphones were is 5 times ism....maybe more..i went up and down that road about 3 times today....not including other walking around that area too..and i hav mi aunty too..the onli way im surviving is panadol and brufen....haha..yeh don;t glare..thers realli no other way out...id die of the pain otherwise.....
well then i call them, a good hour before patricks about to come so i finish fixing the ticket thing on time..bt it doesn happen....and patrick comes by then.....and listen to this- the original ticket price is like 1600..the charges to get it transfered to another day?
1070.
yup..as much as the ticket...yup,no cheaper rates..yup i tried calling 10 times and arguing with them already..yup, the ticket is non refundable
and yes, we are screwed
and oh yes, hav to change it in the next 3 hours or risk losing the ticket altogther..
and yes, must remain sane and happy while doing that.
so..anyways,,i heard travel agent with one ear- called patrick adn told him where exactly i wwas with the other ear, and kinda tried to block out the chinese conversation and the arabic conversations from the two booths at the side of me , plus all the blaring music from the stores behind me...anyways..after an hour and 30 minutes of arguing, ihad no luck..the cheapest air ticket was still 1069..seeing patrick there made me smile tho..yes he's an asshole but why the hell can't i eevr be mad at him? i dont know why......grrrrr...i promised miself id leave the screaming for later- if i ever got the heart to do it
we went to a shop to pick up a jeans he had wanted..( onli 350 dollars....nothing special =P) yup the guys rich..doing odd jobs and his contests and whut not...then we wandered round downtown...looking for a restaurant..he was worried i wudnt eat anywhere cuz of halal meat/ generaal pickiness,,, so he kept making sure every place we stopped at had a huge veggie menu id like....finalli came to a cute lil thai restaurant,,,niccely done...and the food was AH-MAZING..i had veggie rice and tofu and sauce and all..he had rice and cod fish and all....but the food was realli good..and im sure expensive too..he said he had to go the bathroom, but it was an excuse to go and pay, so we wudnt fight over it.......see its little things like this tht make me like him..nd then he writes all tht trash...anyways, the dinner was a success....in gttin me ok fr a while again at least....we had realli gud time.......he told me things hes never told anyone, and trust me its not jus sumthing he was saying tht hes never told neone...the nature of the things were such tht im sure he WUD NOT hav told anyone..im sorry i cant write them here...,...
anywyas...we ate, we talked, we left...walked back to skytrain station,..train was cramped,,we were standing close..didn mean too.....:$......and he kept starin at me..and i blushed..and he said this is the last time we're ever gonna meet then..and i said i know..(and it hurt)....but it was true....then he asked if he dare hug me..and i laughed and i said i dont mind..and we hugged..''blush blush''..hahaha..OI its onli a hug...bt it ws a long-ish hug..and yeh it felt gud, esp after the whole stress of the day....and for the first time i felt mi walls coming down, and i ws bout to cry..BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT i didnt..OK???....dont go aw-ing for me now..
i said DONT....
jus reminded me of the time wen u cud run into ur mums hug or ur sissters or jus SUMONES and itd b okay for a while..a place where noone cud touch u...thts how it felt like, for the briefest of times..and it made me miss home...and rimaaaaaaa and armieeeeeeeee and sandyyyyyyyyyyy....cuz we used to hug every day....nd i didnt realise how much it meant to me and how much id miss it till i came here
..anywyas..his station came....side hug again..bye byes...lolz..
no, i didnt get miself to swear at him
or attack him...
dont glare u idiots......hes crap to me then he makes up for it and i jus didn know whut to say..
i swear i ws gonna write him an email but then he came online and said hie..and we talked some more..about realli personal stuff..hahah..big red blush coming up again....lolz...
and oh, he said i was soft..
OH SHUT UP ...haha.....no comment...
well thts that..its over now ..unofficialli....which means tht tho it hurts, its time for me to move on....to forget....to b ok...to not care for him and all the silly lil things hes does...
ps- he gpt me a book hed been goin pn and on about..the one called boundaries..UNFORTUNATELY..m iaunt saw me with it and has been hanging onto it since..shes gotten this annoying habit th she reads every book i get first..for whut reason i dont know...she jus reads EVRYTHING i get.....and its so annoyingg.. REALLI feel like reading it now but shes asleep on top of the book tho she promised shed come and give it to me..
.and what can u say to this..
another ARGHHHHHHHHHHH..
or if ur tired of argh-ing and having to open up ur mouth wide, do the shut-mouth anger expression..thts
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....
gnash teeth too...for added effect....=)
hmmmmm..............whut else....came home...finalli the euphoria faded..now im sittin with massive butterflies and stress about mi visa..its gotten to such a big complicated mess tht u three cant even imagine...heck, even i cant..we're losing about 1600 dollars...all cuz i didnt try hard enuf..and because aunt and uncle didn guide me whilst buying the ticket....and i cant say its ok, we make mistakes because this is ONE BIG mistake.....one exxpensive mistake...
anyways.....ive onli slept 4 hours in the last 24 hours and probabli wont sleep all night today till mi dad and his best frnd sort out mi ticket thngy in libya and tell me whut to do..and thts got to be before 4 am so ill b up till then..mi eyelids feeel like tins already and theyve already swollen up....its best i lay back and relax for a while now..lolz...
all mi crap for now..
luv u all
over and over and over and over....
eeedums..
ps-rima-theres better pictures,,,bt i dnt look like a kid in them..i look like im 25..haha..and im ..er....shy to post those up yet...er....hahaha.......ill send u this one if i gt time aite...?hope app s goin great with M*M* and armie with M*R*..hahahahahah........
xoxoxos..
ps-hers a song ive been lsnin to latelyy--loveeeeeee it
mario vasquez-ask abt mi luv
guh-roooovyyyyyyyy beat ...:)
Blah
had too much in mi mind..just had to let it all out in one short random post tht dint make any sense...
in 8 hours, i have mi final philosphy paper..i have no idea whut is whut, who is who , who said what.....its just a big jumbled mess of weird sounding names ...epiphenomenalism and interactive dualism and realistic rationalism and idealistic empiricism......sounds chinese? yeh, to me too..
ezra says' you must focus'
haha..always the sane voice of calm...i miss him..talked to him yesterday and poor things stressed out too.....cooped up in his house..haha....well, it had his benefits,,he got a bloodi 97 in his Math Final...no kidding...he's such a hidden nerd.....
hmm..tomorow right after exam i have to rush to the french embassy downtown and see about mi passort....mi flishts at 4 am the very same night/ next day..i need to get shoes for khadeeja, and exchange a slightly expensive bra i got for miself which despite being mi size is way too tight.....and its at the other end of the world..and i need to buy snacks and all for mi flight..IF iget the visa..if i dont, then i need to call cheaptickets headoffice US and ask them for changing mi seat to the 17th, adding in areturn ticket via geneva-paris-montreal-vancouver and continue to do shopping..
and oh, lunch with patrick at downtown..again...but dont go feeeling im in luv with him or w/em cuz hes a MAJOR asshole..proven by the fact tht he wrote me a v stupid and a v hurtful email yesterday.....if armie wasnt online at tht time and hadnt helped me vent it off, i wudve burst out crying and gone back to bein depressed and all....all this for an incident about 3 days ago..wen ijus sent an offline msg to him saying hie and asking whut he ws upto and hw his econ exam went..and he replied..and said he din;t want to talk..and i said ill ttyl then.....
anyways, the email is ahead, i wont say nething about it after this point..he's a major pain,the email was completly uncalled for, he's an effin idiot for a 24 yr old guy who ranks 18th in the world for solving complex whutevers...... i don't why im even bothering..or whut im getting out of it...i thought hed cancel the lunch thng after this, but he didnt..and ttht pisses me off...w/e..its the last day..and i AM gonna tell him how much hes an ass tomorow...honestly......and it WONT' b nice......not at all.....
Dear Fareeda,
In case you are still interested in what I did yesterday:
Got up at 3am, chat with friends in Vietnam, competed on TopCoder and lost 50 points, went to my ex-gf to pick up my stuff and give back her stuff. She was at work and I could not find my stuff. Went home, filled in Visa application, cleaned-up dishes, cleaned the floor, went to Thang's place to get my money from the laptops, worked on my report, cooked and eat by myself..
This is about all what I remember.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your definition of friend means more than mine. It seems that you require to know what your friend do and feel everyday. It is a huge commitment and time consumming, too.
I have a commitment issue. Now, I get annoyed and scared if I get too close to someone. Moreover, I am very vulnerable, hurt, and weak. Furthermore, I do not know how to share my emotion, no one has ever taught me and I am not capable of findind it out, now, but I will.
I appreciate that you helped me to get through my tough time, and you have always been online for me when I needed a friend most. And, if you really want to be my friend, please, respect my boundaries. Oops, I have not given you the book. My fault !!!
I have been taking your help and support for granted, and I am fully aware that I am hurting your feelings very badly. However, I do not see any other way to resolve this. Please, forgive me.
Your sincerely,
Patrick
and whut else.....abus extended family and friends are complaining that i havent called anyone since i got here, and im an irresponsible lil whutever..at first thought , it made mi blood boil...cuz they didn understand how busy id been..but then i thought wen iws their age and id hav looked aftr sumone for 3 days and all, id hav expected her to atleast gimme one phonecall in 3 months..so im all embarrased now..and thinking of stunning , mind-defying excuses that they cudn possibly argue with.........tough roads ahead..and thts an understatement
whut else..need t buy a suitcase but mi uncles gonna do tht for me..i swear i dunno whut id do without them..ive been a real mess, moody and not helping round the house, crying and an emotional wreck...its way more than whut mi aunt bargained for..im sure....i wanted it to be so different..i wanted to be so perfect for them...no problems at all...but i being a pain in the arse, and i know it ,,and i wish i could change it but i can't,,and its pissing me off....
need to iron out all mi clothes for the trip tomorow..pack underwear, and scarves and clothes and sunscreen,,and ponytails...books....hmmm....clean mi room,,,.......oh btw, rima im sending a few things for u with mi mum, dnt worry,,its a coupla cards and a small bday gift...if we eevr do meet..and sandy and armie and all i need ur home addresses so i cant atleast send u sum letters too.....don't go, awww u dont need to..I DO..ok..no arguments..
ps sandy, i wont b here on ur bday, will hav no net access so here's a BIG HAPPY BDAYYYYY in advance to u incase i cant send a card and all in time...luv u loads huney..loads loads loadssss...hope u hav a BLAST cuz u deserve it..ad hope this year brings u everything u ever dreamt of....ok, mayb not anas.....hahahaha..u deserve better than him......prince charming on a pink horse singing Belly Dancer...bwahahaha.......
i missed a meeting with mi business courses advisor today cuz i set the alarm clock to 7 pm instead of am...laugh it off..ahaha..the next ones not due till 7 th of sept..the onli other way os to call or hav a live chat..but im leaving tomorow anyways..so mi next semesters courses are screwed..majorly screwed.///2 of them r on the waiting list and i cat swap cuz mi stupid enrollment account won;t let me..and the onli way to fix that is to call except noone ever picks up the effin helpline...
do i even realise how big of a mess im in?
i dont't think i do/...i wish i did..but mi brain stopped functioning a while back..
wait, how do i know i eeven HAV a brain isn't that like saying im a physicalist as opposed to a interactive dualist? wtfffffffffffff......hahaha
Its back to philosphy then.....haha
lov u guys.....
thanx for putttin up with my numerous, childish, random , emotional, gooey, whutever tantrums and rants of blah blah blah in my dark and difficult times..hahaha =P
it's appreciated...
good luck to me for tomrow...
in 8 hours, i have mi final philosphy paper..i have no idea whut is whut, who is who , who said what.....its just a big jumbled mess of weird sounding names ...epiphenomenalism and interactive dualism and realistic rationalism and idealistic empiricism......sounds chinese? yeh, to me too..
ezra says' you must focus'
haha..always the sane voice of calm...i miss him..talked to him yesterday and poor things stressed out too.....cooped up in his house..haha....well, it had his benefits,,he got a bloodi 97 in his Math Final...no kidding...he's such a hidden nerd.....
hmm..tomorow right after exam i have to rush to the french embassy downtown and see about mi passort....mi flishts at 4 am the very same night/ next day..i need to get shoes for khadeeja, and exchange a slightly expensive bra i got for miself which despite being mi size is way too tight.....and its at the other end of the world..and i need to buy snacks and all for mi flight..IF iget the visa..if i dont, then i need to call cheaptickets headoffice US and ask them for changing mi seat to the 17th, adding in areturn ticket via geneva-paris-montreal-vancouver and continue to do shopping..
and oh, lunch with patrick at downtown..again...but dont go feeeling im in luv with him or w/em cuz hes a MAJOR asshole..proven by the fact tht he wrote me a v stupid and a v hurtful email yesterday.....if armie wasnt online at tht time and hadnt helped me vent it off, i wudve burst out crying and gone back to bein depressed and all....all this for an incident about 3 days ago..wen ijus sent an offline msg to him saying hie and asking whut he ws upto and hw his econ exam went..and he replied..and said he din;t want to talk..and i said ill ttyl then.....
anyways, the email is ahead, i wont say nething about it after this point..he's a major pain,the email was completly uncalled for, he's an effin idiot for a 24 yr old guy who ranks 18th in the world for solving complex whutevers...... i don't why im even bothering..or whut im getting out of it...i thought hed cancel the lunch thng after this, but he didnt..and ttht pisses me off...w/e..its the last day..and i AM gonna tell him how much hes an ass tomorow...honestly......and it WONT' b nice......not at all.....
Dear Fareeda,
In case you are still interested in what I did yesterday:
Got up at 3am, chat with friends in Vietnam, competed on TopCoder and lost 50 points, went to my ex-gf to pick up my stuff and give back her stuff. She was at work and I could not find my stuff. Went home, filled in Visa application, cleaned-up dishes, cleaned the floor, went to Thang's place to get my money from the laptops, worked on my report, cooked and eat by myself..
This is about all what I remember.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your definition of friend means more than mine. It seems that you require to know what your friend do and feel everyday. It is a huge commitment and time consumming, too.
I have a commitment issue. Now, I get annoyed and scared if I get too close to someone. Moreover, I am very vulnerable, hurt, and weak. Furthermore, I do not know how to share my emotion, no one has ever taught me and I am not capable of findind it out, now, but I will.
I appreciate that you helped me to get through my tough time, and you have always been online for me when I needed a friend most. And, if you really want to be my friend, please, respect my boundaries. Oops, I have not given you the book. My fault !!!
I have been taking your help and support for granted, and I am fully aware that I am hurting your feelings very badly. However, I do not see any other way to resolve this. Please, forgive me.
Your sincerely,
Patrick
and whut else.....abus extended family and friends are complaining that i havent called anyone since i got here, and im an irresponsible lil whutever..at first thought , it made mi blood boil...cuz they didn understand how busy id been..but then i thought wen iws their age and id hav looked aftr sumone for 3 days and all, id hav expected her to atleast gimme one phonecall in 3 months..so im all embarrased now..and thinking of stunning , mind-defying excuses that they cudn possibly argue with.........tough roads ahead..and thts an understatement
whut else..need t buy a suitcase but mi uncles gonna do tht for me..i swear i dunno whut id do without them..ive been a real mess, moody and not helping round the house, crying and an emotional wreck...its way more than whut mi aunt bargained for..im sure....i wanted it to be so different..i wanted to be so perfect for them...no problems at all...but i being a pain in the arse, and i know it ,,and i wish i could change it but i can't,,and its pissing me off....
need to iron out all mi clothes for the trip tomorow..pack underwear, and scarves and clothes and sunscreen,,and ponytails...books....hmmm....clean mi room,,,.......oh btw, rima im sending a few things for u with mi mum, dnt worry,,its a coupla cards and a small bday gift...if we eevr do meet..and sandy and armie and all i need ur home addresses so i cant atleast send u sum letters too.....don't go, awww u dont need to..I DO..ok..no arguments..
ps sandy, i wont b here on ur bday, will hav no net access so here's a BIG HAPPY BDAYYYYY in advance to u incase i cant send a card and all in time...luv u loads huney..loads loads loadssss...hope u hav a BLAST cuz u deserve it..ad hope this year brings u everything u ever dreamt of....ok, mayb not anas.....hahahaha..u deserve better than him......prince charming on a pink horse singing Belly Dancer...bwahahaha.......
i missed a meeting with mi business courses advisor today cuz i set the alarm clock to 7 pm instead of am...laugh it off..ahaha..the next ones not due till 7 th of sept..the onli other way os to call or hav a live chat..but im leaving tomorow anyways..so mi next semesters courses are screwed..majorly screwed.///2 of them r on the waiting list and i cat swap cuz mi stupid enrollment account won;t let me..and the onli way to fix that is to call except noone ever picks up the effin helpline...
do i even realise how big of a mess im in?
i dont't think i do/...i wish i did..but mi brain stopped functioning a while back..
wait, how do i know i eeven HAV a brain isn't that like saying im a physicalist as opposed to a interactive dualist? wtfffffffffffff......hahaha
Its back to philosphy then.....haha
lov u guys.....
thanx for putttin up with my numerous, childish, random , emotional, gooey, whutever tantrums and rants of blah blah blah in my dark and difficult times..hahaha =P
it's appreciated...
good luck to me for tomrow...
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Holding On......and Letting Go
Holding on
(to u guys..lolz...)
i got ur back
u got mine
we'll help each other out
anytime....
:D
(cheesy nostalgic mood again...hahaha)
Letting Go..
i know i say im not cheesy, but trust me whuts coming next will b complete evidence to the contrary...HAHAHA...
I was listening to lily allen's song Smile when i noticed a link to her other song, Littlest things.
it reminded of patrick-yes, him again...because so much of the lyrics are true..
"Littlest Things"
Sometimes I find myself sittin' back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissin'
And I remember when you started callin' me your miss's
All the play fightin', all the flirtatious disses
I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood
I don't why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt
[Chorus]
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?
Drinkin' tea in bed
Watching DVD's
When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines
You take me out shopping and all we'd buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain us
the first time that you introduced me to your friends
and you could tell I was nervous, so you held my hand
when I was feeling down, you made that face you do
There's no one in the world that could replace you
[Chorus]
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of me and you
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you feel the same way too
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?
so yes it is the end..and yeh we did go buying trainers...and i did get nervous round his friends..and i did tell him bt mi childhood..and not every little thing reminds me of him haha..but the song's good...thts all..
trust me, that IS all...im letting go..
cuz rima said so
cuz its the sane thing to do
cuz im dumb for holding on in the first place...
hahaah..
(to u guys..lolz...)
i got ur back
u got mine
we'll help each other out
anytime....
:D
(cheesy nostalgic mood again...hahaha)
Letting Go..
i know i say im not cheesy, but trust me whuts coming next will b complete evidence to the contrary...HAHAHA...
I was listening to lily allen's song Smile when i noticed a link to her other song, Littlest things.
it reminded of patrick-yes, him again...because so much of the lyrics are true..
"Littlest Things"
Sometimes I find myself sittin' back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissin'
And I remember when you started callin' me your miss's
All the play fightin', all the flirtatious disses
I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood
I don't why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt
[Chorus]
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?
Drinkin' tea in bed
Watching DVD's
When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines
You take me out shopping and all we'd buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain us
the first time that you introduced me to your friends
and you could tell I was nervous, so you held my hand
when I was feeling down, you made that face you do
There's no one in the world that could replace you
[Chorus]
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of me and you
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you feel the same way too
The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?
so yes it is the end..and yeh we did go buying trainers...and i did get nervous round his friends..and i did tell him bt mi childhood..and not every little thing reminds me of him haha..but the song's good...thts all..
trust me, that IS all...im letting go..
cuz rima said so
cuz its the sane thing to do
cuz im dumb for holding on in the first place...
hahaah..
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Help
And in the dark, there shall be a ray of hope..
well, again ...i dunno whut id do without friends..and family..lolz....bigggggggg thanks to rima and armie for lsnin patiently and worryingg..to arthie who cant read this but i mus mention, for calling...makin me laugh the way i used to with u guys in high schooll..freeeee.....tth if we'd laugh long and hard enuf, the pain wud go away.....obv me and her talked abt ridiculous things, stupid things...but funni enuf to make me collapse on the floor out of breath.....i was happy...
and well yeh, now its official.i AM in love with patrick.hahaha....i promised miself i wudn and i denied it ..but i do care alot for him....and i dunno whther he cares,,but he does..atleast a little...and thts enuf....and he makes me happyyyyyy.....
ok stop it u guysssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!if i blush anymore theyll b selling me at the green grocers as some form of hybrid human tomato...lolzzzz..
.well, even tho i dint realli think about him all day..we chatted a while ago, andddddddddddddddd welllllll..he asked me for dinner tomoro..im all :)...and i conivinced mi dad to giv mi curfew a break....and he agreed!!! the onliiii problem now is the final approval frm mi aunt...but itll b all gudddd...
and yes yes heres the convo....
fareedasiddiqui: its not a joke
destinationgoal: I know
fareedasiddiqui: hah...
fareedasiddiqui: u dnt...cuz if u did..ud hav a diff reply..
fareedasiddiqui: forget it
fareedasiddiqui: ill see abt the counsellor.....
fareedasiddiqui: hello
fareedasiddiqui: did i go and offend u again
destinationgoal: Thang and Luong are showing off clothes
destinationgoal: they called me out for a sec
fareedasiddiqui: oh...
destinationgoal: sorry about that
fareedasiddiqui: its ok
destinationgoal: I really don't get what you meant there
destinationgoal: why can't you explain what is wrong ?
fareedasiddiqui: because too much is rong..and i dont know if ud even want to listen
destinationgoal: I can read :)
destinationgoal: if not listen :)
fareedasiddiqui: haha.....
destinationgoal: hey
fareedasiddiqui: hmm...
destinationgoal: tomorrow is probably our meeting for a long time
destinationgoal: could I take you out for dinner ?
fareedasiddiqui: id love to....
fareedasiddiqui: ur forgettin i hav curfew
fareedasiddiqui: bt i wudve loved too
destinationgoal: I will buy you lunch then
fareedasiddiqui: i appreciate that very much nhan..
fareedasiddiqui: r u free on friday? i cud spend pretty much the whole day till 7.
destinationgoal: nah
destinationgoal: I am booked until Aug 18
fareedasiddiqui: hahaha
fareedasiddiqui: booked ;;)?
destinationgoal: Friday = robot team meeting
fareedasiddiqui: ohh
fareedasiddiqui: its aite...
destinationgoal: August 12 : 5-7 pages essay
fareedasiddiqui: bloody curfew!!1
destinationgoal: August 14: macro econ
fareedasiddiqui: haha..its okkkkkkk patrick u dont need to tell me
destinationgoal: August 18: 10-12 pages paper
fareedasiddiqui: jeez ur busier than i am
destinationgoal: when are you leaving ?
fareedasiddiqui: 15th
fareedasiddiqui: if i get mi visa
destinationgoal: it is gonna be fine
fareedasiddiqui: i wish i cud say tht too..and itd b fine
fareedasiddiqui: its the other way round now...ur sayin it...hahaha
some part skipped...
destinationgoal: I will be in library
destinationgoal: then we can go for lunch
fareedasiddiqui: okay
fareedasiddiqui: nhan thanks for doing this
destinationgoal: and talk about stuff
fareedasiddiqui: yes...stuff.
destinationgoal: my pleasure
fareedasiddiqui: :)
destinationgoal: good night
fareedasiddiqui: u too...tho im sure we boh arent sleeping
fareedasiddiqui: any time soon
destinationgoal: I will be your good friend, remember ?
fareedasiddiqui: i dont :P
fareedasiddiqui: haha...
fareedasiddiqui: no,ur a very good friend
fareedasiddiqui: a very very good friend
ps....whut kind of friend buys u dinner? i dunno..im jus glad he thought abt it..friend or otherwise.....well, then i talked to dad,and i told him i needed to hang out with sum friends for a while...and he said OK!!!! lolz.. IF mi aunt agrees to tht ...well shes asleep now, and i havent yet told patrick the change of plans...but letseeeeeeeeee whut happens tomoro..either way we're havin linch tomoro and once more , this time downtown ,on the 14th before i leave.and he was fretting about not knowing whut restaurant to take me, said it was a big challenge ahead..hahah..hes so adorable..i shud stop liking him so much..lolz..
BUT IM HAPPY..thats the thing..i still havent talked to ammi,im probably gonna screw mi exam and not get mi visa in time but im still happy...i hope the feeling lasts till tomoro...
last words..thank u....from the bottomsssss of mi heart.........u pulled me out in ISM and u kept me sane....and ur doing it now when u shudn b cuz ur all busy with ur own lives and ur own problems.....and i cant ever thank u enuf for that..
pps...armie..go for m**K,,,,,,...he'll heall ur depression too..
bet rima has it too...
whut the hell has gotten into us.....hahahaha....
but 'baby, when i shine, u shine'
and we're gonna b okayyyyy,...jus u wait and seee..
well, again ...i dunno whut id do without friends..and family..lolz....bigggggggg thanks to rima and armie for lsnin patiently and worryingg..to arthie who cant read this but i mus mention, for calling...makin me laugh the way i used to with u guys in high schooll..freeeee.....tth if we'd laugh long and hard enuf, the pain wud go away.....obv me and her talked abt ridiculous things, stupid things...but funni enuf to make me collapse on the floor out of breath.....i was happy...
and well yeh, now its official.i AM in love with patrick.hahaha....i promised miself i wudn and i denied it ..but i do care alot for him....and i dunno whther he cares,,but he does..atleast a little...and thts enuf....and he makes me happyyyyyy.....
ok stop it u guysssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!if i blush anymore theyll b selling me at the green grocers as some form of hybrid human tomato...lolzzzz..
.well, even tho i dint realli think about him all day..we chatted a while ago, andddddddddddddddd welllllll..he asked me for dinner tomoro..im all :)...and i conivinced mi dad to giv mi curfew a break....and he agreed!!! the onliiii problem now is the final approval frm mi aunt...but itll b all gudddd...
and yes yes heres the convo....
fareedasiddiqui: its not a joke
destinationgoal: I know
fareedasiddiqui: hah...
fareedasiddiqui: u dnt...cuz if u did..ud hav a diff reply..
fareedasiddiqui: forget it
fareedasiddiqui: ill see abt the counsellor.....
fareedasiddiqui: hello
fareedasiddiqui: did i go and offend u again
destinationgoal: Thang and Luong are showing off clothes
destinationgoal: they called me out for a sec
fareedasiddiqui: oh...
destinationgoal: sorry about that
fareedasiddiqui: its ok
destinationgoal: I really don't get what you meant there
destinationgoal: why can't you explain what is wrong ?
fareedasiddiqui: because too much is rong..and i dont know if ud even want to listen
destinationgoal: I can read :)
destinationgoal: if not listen :)
fareedasiddiqui: haha.....
destinationgoal: hey
fareedasiddiqui: hmm...
destinationgoal: tomorrow is probably our meeting for a long time
destinationgoal: could I take you out for dinner ?
fareedasiddiqui: id love to....
fareedasiddiqui: ur forgettin i hav curfew
fareedasiddiqui: bt i wudve loved too
destinationgoal: I will buy you lunch then
fareedasiddiqui: i appreciate that very much nhan..
fareedasiddiqui: r u free on friday? i cud spend pretty much the whole day till 7.
destinationgoal: nah
destinationgoal: I am booked until Aug 18
fareedasiddiqui: hahaha
fareedasiddiqui: booked ;;)?
destinationgoal: Friday = robot team meeting
fareedasiddiqui: ohh
fareedasiddiqui: its aite...
destinationgoal: August 12 : 5-7 pages essay
fareedasiddiqui: bloody curfew!!1
destinationgoal: August 14: macro econ
fareedasiddiqui: haha..its okkkkkkk patrick u dont need to tell me
destinationgoal: August 18: 10-12 pages paper
fareedasiddiqui: jeez ur busier than i am
destinationgoal: when are you leaving ?
fareedasiddiqui: 15th
fareedasiddiqui: if i get mi visa
destinationgoal: it is gonna be fine
fareedasiddiqui: i wish i cud say tht too..and itd b fine
fareedasiddiqui: its the other way round now...ur sayin it...hahaha
some part skipped...
destinationgoal: I will be in library
destinationgoal: then we can go for lunch
fareedasiddiqui: okay
fareedasiddiqui: nhan thanks for doing this
destinationgoal: and talk about stuff
fareedasiddiqui: yes...stuff.
destinationgoal: my pleasure
fareedasiddiqui: :)
destinationgoal: good night
fareedasiddiqui: u too...tho im sure we boh arent sleeping
fareedasiddiqui: any time soon
destinationgoal: I will be your good friend, remember ?
fareedasiddiqui: i dont :P
fareedasiddiqui: haha...
fareedasiddiqui: no,ur a very good friend
fareedasiddiqui: a very very good friend
ps....whut kind of friend buys u dinner? i dunno..im jus glad he thought abt it..friend or otherwise.....well, then i talked to dad,and i told him i needed to hang out with sum friends for a while...and he said OK!!!! lolz.. IF mi aunt agrees to tht ...well shes asleep now, and i havent yet told patrick the change of plans...but letseeeeeeeeee whut happens tomoro..either way we're havin linch tomoro and once more , this time downtown ,on the 14th before i leave.and he was fretting about not knowing whut restaurant to take me, said it was a big challenge ahead..hahah..hes so adorable..i shud stop liking him so much..lolz..
BUT IM HAPPY..thats the thing..i still havent talked to ammi,im probably gonna screw mi exam and not get mi visa in time but im still happy...i hope the feeling lasts till tomoro...
last words..thank u....from the bottomsssss of mi heart.........u pulled me out in ISM and u kept me sane....and ur doing it now when u shudn b cuz ur all busy with ur own lives and ur own problems.....and i cant ever thank u enuf for that..
pps...armie..go for m**K,,,,,,...he'll heall ur depression too..
bet rima has it too...
whut the hell has gotten into us.....hahahaha....
but 'baby, when i shine, u shine'
and we're gonna b okayyyyy,...jus u wait and seee..
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
I
this post is dedicated to me gtting my anger out...haha...
these realli are mi random rantings...
i try
i satisfy
i fail
i fight
i cry
i scream
i hate
i break
i pretend
i smile
i tear inside
.
not all help is welcome
khalas gone and told ammi evrything about me..i promised miself i wudn trust her,,but i did...ive started wearin slightly shorter tshirts tht i used to,,and i mentioned to her how i wudn take them with me to mi trip to france, cuz mum and all want me more conservatively dresssed in kurtis and they wudn kike me wearin whut i do..lo and behold, tht biatch goes nd tells mi mum evrythinggggg,,fareeda doesn eat, fareeda doesn pray, fareeda doesn dress right,,evn tho mi aunts own clothes aare wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy vulgar than i am and she knws it too....fareeda doesn exrecise, fareeda isnt social ,fareeda neeeds to b FUCKIN LEFT ALONE WOMAN.
mi mum andi fought again,,,alot....over her waanting me to do this and this and this and that and oh, buy this and tht and u neevr lsn to whut isay ,u ever do whut i do and i tried telling her tht im busy i cnt handle and she goes if u cnt handle why the hell dont u come ack,,why the hell did u go,,u and ur lame excuses,,all u hav is lame excuses..,,,,blah blah..and ofcourse i argued..no point in anything...locked miself in the bathrom,,closed the lights out......cried,,,longer and harder than ever since coming here..shivered, and laughed and cried and laughed..thought of commititn suicide..seriousli,,,,,wud dying giv me peace? i dunno.....
.im tired of being their perfect girl..dont make guy friends, dont make non muslim non scarf friends, dont go out with any friend, do get amazin grades but dont stress dont worry aand dont study too much..but make sure u get the grades ok,,,go out evrywhere with ur aunt and uncle, even if it a day before the exams....and get the grades,,,do get a phone card and call us all regularly, do get shoes for khadeeja and nizam and a backpack for khadeeja and night cream for ammi and so and so dozen other creams for ammi and a new suitcase and some new bras for ureself and get a job later so ican help ammi with her expenses and get viisas and insurance and make sure ur flight is booked the right time and make sure the return flight and the hotel is booked okay and make sure u pack so and so and make sure u call all ur relatives in US to let them know u care and make sure u get calling cards for that and check dadss bank account, sumones messin with his credit card and sort out his apartment and the problems his tenant is having and make sure ur visa and passport are renewed in time by december and make sure ur rooms always clean and make sure ur helping round the house and praying and eating 3 meals and doing ur own laudry and try not to spend too much or too little on food and try and be happy and stressfree.......its nto a alot to do,,,,,u can hardly call ureself busy..whut? theres NUTHING to do at all,,,why the hell are u complaing!!u and ur lame excuses....ur good for nuthing....
yeh
im a failure,,
all mi 18 years have been spent trying to make sumone happy....either mi dad or mi mum or mi bro or sum friend or sum teacher or soceity or relatives....jus everyone's expectations needed to b met,,everyones demands......and never demand anything for ureself..neevr question, neevr ask,.....
DO NOT FIGHT BATTLES YOU CANNOT WIN
is there anyone doing anything out theere for me? oh hell yeh mi dads working and mi mums worrrying..how can i forget,,,,..why? to make sure i turn into the girl of their dreams.....whose sophisticated and calm and dresses in long conservative clothes and speaks softly and knows how to cook and sew and b good at all housework,whose polite and sweet and gets the perfect grades , has the perfect etiquettes...just their perfect girl..because im their first child, aren't i?
how do you pick up a life you've forgotten how to live?
tie on a mask you've forgotten how to wear?
they said i'd change-for the worse
i wanna prove them wrong.
i've forgotten how
tie on a mask you've forgotten how to wear?
they said i'd change-for the worse
i wanna prove them wrong.
i've forgotten how
noone cares
when ur alone in the dark, noone comes.
when u cry and ur eyes are sore, noone asks why u hav swollen eyes
noone asks why ur pillow is wet.
im alone..and i hav to keep happy..for them...
i dnt giv shit abt me anymore..abt who i was or whut i wanted or how i felt..i can NEEVR be me....
..im jus a machine whose gotta b their perfect lil baby..no emotions, no dreams nuthing...
jus b whut they wanna be...
why the hell can't i stop crying...hahahhaha....do u knw, im thinkin ive started to sound like those other emo blogs id stumble across sumtimes..'noone loves me, let's all die....blah blah''and i think im turning into them...fallin into the hole mi mum and dad are in.....whys it happenin? i promised miself id NEEVR EVER let anything make me turn into them ...id be normal and id b sane no matter whut happens, because mi life IS important...
why doesn it feel like that anymore?..im turning pschotic, crying and havin mood swings and caring and hurting and screwin up everything im doind...i cnt find the courage to make up that wall again,,the one that keeps u sane..cuz u dont think abt all the bad stuff for a while...i cud do it in ISM bt now i cant....evryy lil bad memory ive ever had keeps coming back to me now,...it never used to...am I making miself like this cuz i want to get attention and care??....is tht tooo selfish...?????
tell too mani lies, and it becomes the truth
all this time ive been telling miself im fine..and i say even now....then i hit across an interactive tool on msnhealth which checks if u hav depression or not..the link is as follows..click on it ..if ur bothered enuf,
check if u hav depression
mi result?
major depression....hahahaha......
yup, not jus one time...i thought itd b a glitch..3 times....in all honesty....no wanna-get-attention-so-lemme-lie-about-these-answers kinda thing.....
it is true tho that both mi parents hav been diagnosed with varying severity of depression..yes it is a proper disease, not jus a mood swing or PMS.....and they say its part genetic...i checked with mi aunt to see how authentic this test thing was..she said its authentic, its medicalli true,,sumthing called pq9 or sutthin which is basic procedure to check for depression....no lies....hmmmmm
does tht mean mi 18 years worth of struggle is bein defeated.? nooooooooooo..haha....i sound so melodramatic....but its true,,,,one of the things ive been proudest of is remainin' sane despite all the crap i saw as a child..and i knw u guys dnt knw all of it,,or u do,,but seeing it is a comletly different story..esp in the middle of the night wen ur like 7 and ur awoken up by screams and all.......yeh i sound like a movie heroine...why do i hav to keep tryin to justify tht these were real problems ....tht they di hurt,,...tht ive had more of a tough time than i let on to people..tht im not jus complainin or exagerrating.., it did happen...it feels like noone wud belive how severe it was..cuz i downplayed it...or i kept quiet abt it..afterall, mi mum and dad and me are world class actors...hahah..tht sounds rude....
..mi dad once said to me too, tht he was amazed i turned out ok.. albeit sum scars but mostli ok.....it meant alot..it still means alot, whenevr sumone tells me u did okay...u were a kid bt u did ok..ur doin well..ur keeping them happy..theyre proud of u...
why does all this matter to me so much? why cant i let it go....
were all mi tries to remain sane jus useless...is it all goin to waste? ......
i WONT let it..
complaining is wrongall this time ive been telling miself im fine..and i say even now....then i hit across an interactive tool on msnhealth which checks if u hav depression or not..the link is as follows..click on it ..if ur bothered enuf,
check if u hav depression
mi result?
major depression....hahahaha......
yup, not jus one time...i thought itd b a glitch..3 times....in all honesty....no wanna-get-attention-so-lemme-lie-about-these-answers kinda thing.....
it is true tho that both mi parents hav been diagnosed with varying severity of depression..yes it is a proper disease, not jus a mood swing or PMS.....and they say its part genetic...i checked with mi aunt to see how authentic this test thing was..she said its authentic, its medicalli true,,sumthing called pq9 or sutthin which is basic procedure to check for depression....no lies....hmmmmm
does tht mean mi 18 years worth of struggle is bein defeated.? nooooooooooo..haha....i sound so melodramatic....but its true,,,,one of the things ive been proudest of is remainin' sane despite all the crap i saw as a child..and i knw u guys dnt knw all of it,,or u do,,but seeing it is a comletly different story..esp in the middle of the night wen ur like 7 and ur awoken up by screams and all.......yeh i sound like a movie heroine...why do i hav to keep tryin to justify tht these were real problems ....tht they di hurt,,...tht ive had more of a tough time than i let on to people..tht im not jus complainin or exagerrating.., it did happen...it feels like noone wud belive how severe it was..cuz i downplayed it...or i kept quiet abt it..afterall, mi mum and dad and me are world class actors...hahah..tht sounds rude....
..mi dad once said to me too, tht he was amazed i turned out ok.. albeit sum scars but mostli ok.....it meant alot..it still means alot, whenevr sumone tells me u did okay...u were a kid bt u did ok..ur doin well..ur keeping them happy..theyre proud of u...
why does all this matter to me so much? why cant i let it go....
were all mi tries to remain sane jus useless...is it all goin to waste? ......
i WONT let it..
whining is wrong
screaming out loud is wrong
upsetting people cuz ur upset is wrong
throwing ur life away is wrong
i WONT let that happen to me.....im goin to be okay...i need to be okay...
And in short, I was Afraid.
ps-im soooooooooooooo emo......next thng ill b wearin black and all too...im laughin at miself, and whut i see isn't funni...
strangeli i feel happy now...ive updated this blog about 20 times todday;....kept on adding w/e i kept feeling...i feel released now..for a while...lozl...i went out of mi room and talked to khala and khalu and joked and all..told khala abt mi result too...yeh its stupid, trustig her again....i dunno....khalu joked around and she ws slightly protective...and tht feeling was gud.....no rejection for once..lozl...i feel a lil better...letsee how long this lastss.
luv u all....despite the fact tht its onli armie who comes here now..and onli her who reads mi BS....its aite...........iounnu bout rima or sandy....its ok...as i said
2 words----I'll manage....(sumhow)..... :D
Monday, August 6, 2007
Impluse.
never think it's safe enuf to say 'all is well now'
Fate will avenge with menance.
it all crashes down, yet again.
Fate will avenge with menance.
it all crashes down, yet again.
Healing.
its 4:38 am i hav nuthin better to do, i made a collage of all the people who've figured in mi life this summer...the onli ones u probli dnt knw are mi hijabi frnds,...eldars the bloke who'll b teachin me macro econ next semester if i get his class.,,,xiandu was mi econ tutor,,,i loveddddddd her cuz of her amazin dressin style and the way she used to take a special interest while teaching us....tina mi english partner..and the rest....people to add were wayne, monica- a great frend from econ tutorial- mandana- again frm econ tut-and a coupla others.im sorry if u dnt like the pictures i put of u,,thse r the ones i thought show ubest...lozl...best at 4 38 am anyways...
the second icon is sumthin which i thought wws cute..so i jus put it up..kinda v random, but ths very me, aint it?
after all that crap from the last post,,a lil worse was to follow,,,the french embassy asked me to come back again, mi aunt screamed at me for not listening to her to come down and eat when i had mi headphones in mi ears and i was lsnnin to mi eco lecture online,had a fight with pat cuz i teased him about bein a 'wife-y' cuz he did too mani household chores and he got pissed abt that.........but then we made it up and apologized, we'd both been edgy tht day.... and there waso other lil crap....bt jus when i thought i cud take it no more.....it started to look up.. not a guy's IT lookin up u idiots,,life i mean...
well we went to the beach a coupla times...and saw the sunset..and shopping...then i watched a 'walk to remember' all over again..cried....talked to rima and armie....missed em.....after the whole french embassy fiasco, i cried again...watched 'daddy's lil girl' by frankie J a voupla times..and cried......had lunch with ez and his frnd one day..wanst as awkward as i thought it wud be...had a long long chat with him too bout his new crush...helped out his frnd tommy get over his breakup with melissa with a serious lecture on 'to chase or not to chase''....always theyre faithful frnd aren't i...
.then spent the whole day with patrick..and it felt soooooooooooooooooo gooood....it shudnt...but it did..because for once, he wasn runnin away frm me.ther was no awkwardness like there had been..jus bein happy and laughin and doin things for each other..like walkin to class or waitin in line to buy candy floss..i told him to lighten up and move on and all..and today after i dunno how long, he mentioned me in his blog..and well, yeh it felt good,.......... it shudn ,..... but it does....and im workin on how to let it not make me feel tooo happy,,cuz itll b over v soon.....
ps- frm blog, the thing in vietnamese prolli means relax...thts whut i said..kinda like let it go i think....lolz.....and yeh it was jus a lil annoyin wen he said 'teenager'lolz.....bt thts aite......read on...
On Friday, I was so stress-out and could not do anything. Fareeda told me to "ăn chơi nhảy múa" for 2 days. And, I did. Nothing was in my mind and I had so much fun with my friends.
It was excellent timing that a "5-year no see" friend, Bảo Nguyên, was in town to visit Vancouver.
Yesterday night, we hang out at Điền's new apartment, meeting Tùng cap and Yến. cap Tùng "cày" 2 jobs (over 80 hours this week) but still came and drank with us until 3 am. What a guy !!! ( he did look down on anh Lương's 60 hours a week )
Hmmm.... What troubles me is that I turn to a teenager for wisdom. Fareeda has been right about things, a lot of things. I hate it when a girl is right. Ha ha..
so thts tht then...and ......tht night on mi request mi uncle gav me a drive of downtown at round 10pm..mi first trip donwotan at night....it was GORGEOUS.....when they say u can onli tell a city's character at night, tht's SO TRUE..vancouver by night was charmingggggg and romantic,,,,,like all the lights frm the stars had come down.....i saw many groups of teeens hanging out and laughing..and i missed u guys even moreeee....
next day wee went to see the annual grand finale of the fireworks competition by the beach..it was 10 in the night and pitch black...from wher we were sittin, we had the mountains accross the sea from us, and tiny lil lights glittered in the dark,,like heaven had come down to earth....on the right the beach curved far far away towards downtown..and u cud see all the high rise buildings illuminated in an explosion of golden pinpricks...it was breath-taking,,to say the least..the firworks erupted close to the downtown side, so we saw it at an angle...but MI GOD..they were beautifullllllll....tiny lil red stars shooting up to form balls of green and gold stars and come crashing down in showers of silver and blue..it was an international compeition, so the fireworks were AH-MAZIN....i think china did the best ones.....i ws stunned in to oblivion..haha..kept thinking how awesome itd be if u cud be inside those balls of fire and hav all that golden light around u....
anyways, so between playin round the beach and the fireworks and pat and ez all..i felt happy..evn tho the embassy thing is a disaster and i still hav to go downtown coupla times and shoppin and finals are 2 days away,,i feel the weight in my heart is gone....i cn put up with alll this crap frm as close to a fresh start tht i can......and tht feels gud....
and ofccourse the onli people who got me here are those loyal lil frnds sittin overseas worryin and caring for me...and right now, tht means more than any thing else....
and hm..well during my 'dark and dim' phase a while back....haha, yeh its melodamatic i knw...i wrote a coupla poems..theyre harsh and gloomy , but yeh...its aite..i wanted to put one down here tho....here goes...........
Wear my cloak
feel this Dark
this Void
feel this Dark
this Void
Yes ,there's Light
Glowing dustmites
Apprehensive, Distant
I watch it
Indifferent, behind
My thick glass Wall
Indifferent, behind
My thick glass Wall
Misted over and over
By wet, shaky
Breaths.
well dustmites are those tiny lil golden things u see floating in the sunshine when it enters ur window.....tiny lil speckles of dust..hmm...well yeh so thts the poem..nuthin amazin and absolute BS bt thts how id been feeling..i was trapped and hiding behiind mi mask and i cud SEE the happiness and the light-heartedness but i cudn reach it...bt now,im comin out a lil...let me end this blog by the sentence tht'll make it into '100 most delomratic sentences eevr uttered':-
im healing miself again......lolz
thts all mi crap for noww....
see u guysssssssssssssssss
love u loads aite..dnt forget,,,,,,,
me me me
Friday, July 27, 2007
of saying Sorry --and Surviving...
i jus realised i havent written mi blog in like the longestttttttttt time..this ones gonna be huge...hahah...
after all that stress from last week, dad told me to get mi french and swiss visa...atfirst i though itd b a piece of cake,,but filling out forms , gttin dads bank statement, bookin a flight, gttin flight itinieries, gttin hotel reeservations and embassy appointments and what not,,,and on top of that the uni work and all, jus realli drove me down under.....i was lost under work and stress and all bt more detail on th later....
soooooo wher do i start....well pattrick and me hav gotten closer in the sense we meet a lil more regularly, thts like once a week =P haha and talk on the net alot.....esp last week when he was gttin over hus gf and all,,,turns out shed slept with the guy shes now dating..and tht realli pushed patrick to stop.....so hes ok,,,,,,,,,,
ezras okay too,,waynes ok..i dunno what happened but sumthings gone out of me..sumthin jus went SNAP ...like a elastic rubber band reacchin its limit...
ok so this last week nuthin much realli happened nd even if it didi , ive completly forgotten it..on monday i had THE busiest day,,,went to class at 8, left uni at 10 to go downtown for an interview with the french embassy... was damn scared id gt lost but found it in time , , reached there 11:20, realised that id turned up a week earlier for an interview that was scheduled for next week monday..mi interview slip showed mi appointment date in big letters in the front...yup,THATS how lost ive been..hurrried back to uni by 12 sumthin ish.had lunch..saw ezras old man stick ( his umbrella u dodos...not that stick.....ewww) hanging by itself in the restaurant..took it with me to giv it to him,,bt honestly trynng to walk with it and NOT lookin an 80 yr old women is so hard,,,cuz its long so u end up using it like a cane.haha...went to eco tutorial, did a quiz,,hurried back home, stayed up all night finishing an english assignmentttt..
then on tuesday i skipped phil class and went to swiss embassy ,,,first i had to go to this place close to home to gt mi pic taken ,,,and i didn wnna walk in with a scarf ,thne take it off, then wear it again (cuz u cant b wearin a scarf on ur passport pics_) then go to embassy and hav them buggin me to confirm that me with and without hair is the same person....with and without scarf i meant.....so i took it off,,got mi pictures done,,,went to embasssy,they took one look at mi passport and bank statement, said come tomoro and ur visa will b ready...the guy had app been to libya and loved it ther.on the way back these two indian dudes sittin oppoiste me on the train started hittin on me.no, im not bein vain,,they WERE hittin on me,,they were starin like unasamedly the idiots,,one of em was immitating the way i was sittin..they were callin out and all.iifelt ..diisgusted,,and used.....arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...newayss...
came back home at round 6 ish,,, went to sleep..woke up,,stayed up all night doing phil paper worth 30th%,,,skipped eco next day cuz i overslept..went to phil tutorial,,ezra was teasing mein front of wayne about wearing mi 'jedi costume' again...its like u knw those things tht got popular a while back..like a wrap around t shirt, or short blouse kinda thng that ud knot under ur chest or at the side? neways, his teasing stung...and thn he started complainin abt nt havin seen bianca for 3 weeks, nd i was thinkin i skipped class yest bt he never realli askedme whut was with tht..id called on him on monday and told him i wud bt he never asked...anyways then me ,wayne nd him were discussing movies,,,and we were saying how Transfrmers is for guys and all...thn we talked abt a walk to remeebr and turns out wayne likes it too..i was like :O....dude, u seriousli dnt wna go round telli ngirls that..its a chick flick,,its emo goo whutever made for girlssss.....i find it ridiculous tht guys like it..and ezrra's like ur sexist,,and waynes like we hav feelings too and all..i felt like i was bein atttacked by those two but lookin back now,,i see i was doing the atttackin,......mi hate for all guys kinda thing is becomin apparent now...not hate realli, jus mistrust,,,i wanted to scream at ezra wen he called me sexist ( which does not mean sexy, horny or anything of that nature ,,haha..it means discriminating on gendar....yes yes i knw u all are not idiots but i dunno why i had to define tht..its pobably cuz wen i write emails back home i explain all the big words so that deejay doesn hav o ask dad and all =) ) so anyways i was saying bout mistrust,,well i dunno ive met sum reallli realli bad guys wen i was a kid nd i guess i started judgin all of em to b like tht..not a good idea, bt yeh...im sure all 3 of u know abt me molested wen i waas a kid right..i was too young, i can never b too sure whut realli happened..was it a dream? i dunno..thn jus the general male population in pakistan...thn dad putting down women all the time,...peoples concept of women's inferiority,,then all the idiots i ever liked,,,adel and jasem and all, patrick...they all screwed me over in some way or another.....so i dont think its a big surprise im on the offensive now...or is it defensive? am i jus tryna protect miself?i dunno..i havent told u guys all the story yet so this prolli wont make sense..
so after phil tutorial i went to swiss embassy,,got mi passport..got first real feeling of havin done SUMTHIN right that week..after the other huge disasters ill talk abt in a moment...then i went round downtown..its a beautiful place,,built next to the sea....gorgeousssssssssssssss views of the mountains and the city and all...felt quite alone and yt quite independant...nice feeling.on the outside but in the 'deep heart's core' i cravedddddddd u guys to b ther..someone......ive jus been v loneli.....
anyways, wednesday i did nuthin..thursday which is todaay, i went to uni ,,,came back....lied down on mi bed..khalu came to peek over whut i was doin on mi laptop..lied down behind me.rested his arm on mi waist,he was realllllllllli close..i got uncomfortable,,sat up..he sat next to me,,,,,......coupla guys were online on mi fb, ishan and faisal and all.hes look who are theseee....nd iwas on chizzat on audio, talkin to this other dude...so mi uncle got all intrigued by that..no he cudn and din hear the other dude.....anyways,then he came back with chips,,said the onli waay u gt em is if u wnna eat with mi hand..i said no thnx im nt a kid ill do it miself..so i kinda snatched it ate it miself..haha..he was teasin with the chip again..like with the yoghurt..anyways,,,,,,,he ws jus bein flirty i guess..aftr a long time....dnt worry nuthin happneened and nuthin will..
anyways......so nowwwwwwww lemme talk abt other things that had been buggin me....first i jus realized its 4am and tht i had to submit a hil paper online at 12..GREAT..i get one mark taken off for late entry....cudve done it ealrier but i fell asleept at 9...its 4 52 am here..anyways....so one day i was talkin to dad and well he apologized for bein a bad father...for githing with mum..for makin me see all those things i shudnt hav,,,.......here are sum parts of the convo....
skip some part..
anyways,,,mi aunt is workin right as isaid and theyre gttin a nanny....by law here nannies need teir own room...i dunno if i mentioned this in the earlier blog or not..in any case, il hav to move out of mi room and move into mi cuzins..at first with the shock of it i didn kknw whut to say..so i told mum it was ok, id manage..but as days passed i realised how MUCH id b givin up..likin stayin awake all night, changing clothes , putting on makeup, studyin, sleepin..tht day i was tryin to sleep in mi cuzins room and they made such a racket that 2 and a half hours later i had big bluury red eyes, no sleep, and a massive headache.....anyways so i complained to dad abt it which was a rong move cuz dad told mom tht it did matter to me and he got all stressssed and moms like it doesn matter to her ..so nayways i talked to mom and we fought...she gav me a whole lecture on family and 'they are people worse off than u , b grateful' and all...and i said lisn, i knw ts family and im not saying its their fault..its jus inconvenient and i want ur sympathy but u give me lectures and all..she said tthts y she didn wanna send me here cuz i get rigid and cruel....and i dunno,man oka people r goin thru tougher stuff but i was goin thru a lot of emotional crap and was in now goin round feelin sorry for anyone at tht time..and then ammi bought in her favouriteeeeeeeeeeee example..how she and mi aunt had to share a room when they lived with their cousins too,,and i retorted, this isn't about u , its ABOUT ME.....i was rude i knw...bt the thing is, wen mi mum and mi aunt spent like 3 or 4 yrs with their relatives, the relatives kids were their own age so they followed the same school and exam pattern ,,second,the unis ther are no work, thirddd mi mum had mi aunt to share with, cry with, be with....i hav noone..i need mi privacy wher i can talk to u guys in peace..anyway..it was that stress and and embassy and all....mi mums in pakistan btw with mi grandma whse been feelin sick..we were both jus stressed and endingup crying in the end..yes yes , despo indian film heroines..but i cried and cried ad felt awfulllllllllllllllllllllllllll for ltting it all out on her...and she cried cuz she thought i thought they didn love me anymore....anyways..then i talked to dad and told him not tto tell mum whut i told him abt the room and all...i dcant quite remeber bt i hadan argument with abu too..another crying fit....obviousli........
whut else..i missed home, i was loneli..two huge fights with mi parents, dads confession,visa, insurance, rent, uni, patrick, mi grandmas stress,,the fact that nizam and dj are alone in libya, the fact that even tho im gttin the visa mi mum might not go to the holiday cuz shes sayin shed feel guilty about mi granma, the fact that we're gttin a nanny and i need to move out of mi room soon..how will i ever manage sharing ((sounds so selfish)),,need to pack mi bags for holidays, giv in english assignment worth 30%, prepare for final exams next next week, go shoppin for gifts, do a dozen lil tiny thngs,call them do that,,,jus all the stress and workload had killed me ....i was lost and completly burned outtttt.
whut else..during those 3 days between mi crying fit and all..i felt a sense of loneliness...realli realli loneli....i realised i cant tell mi dad anything anymore cuz he stresses and tells mum..mum again she'll jus giv a lecture and more than that, worry..........third, sum incident happened and khala let slip tht she told mum abt sumthin i didnt think she wud..ths is like the 11th time or sumthin..so i cant tell khala..and i obv cant tell khalu..patricks off the list too....whiel i fought with dad and was cryin he was online too..we talked, he comforted .......for once..but its nt safe gttin his comfort now....and i obv cnt tell ez,,we're frnds bt i dunno,,i wudn wnna go and tll hhim all the intimate hurtful thngs abt me..and thats that..there was noone else..yes i know u three are feeling indignant and goin U HAD US....i dunno whut i was doin,,i thought it wwas mi pain, noone cud help me,,noone caared...i jus put everyone in the same box and pushed u all away....thought id handle it miself..didn neeed anyone.....
THEN...armie HAPPENED......literalli....she screamed at me for movin off, closin up in mi shell again..she literalli stopped talkin until i promised her i wudn do it again..here's part of our convo....
i jus want u all to knw tht im here too ok..if sumthin goes rong..i wnna know cuz i wnna help..cuz we be friends righttttttttttttt..cuz if we arent ther for each other i dunno who else will b..who will i fall onnnnnnnnnnnnn if u guys didn care....such a painfulli sick feeling in me all the time, whut if i lose them too..whut if they stop caring.haha..me bein paranoid,,i dunno.......jus dnt wnna lose anyone anymoreeeeeee...................................
usualli wen i write mi blog i feell lighter and feel all the pains been washed out..today for some weird reason , its stil hurtin..theres still sumthin in ther thts not out..i neeed to think and write it in later.........haha..
whut else........hmm..mi net buds, logan,faisal and faisal haha,,hav been good,.the three of em care,tell me im good,..w/e...i knw its silly to trust them..but to see mi wall on fb or offline msgs on msn sayin we missed u, we care..meant alot..and im NOT sendin hidden msgs to u lot abt this ok...i KNOW u guys care ....tht feelings comin back..a lil...haha
so i guess tht is all for today..id discuss harry P but sum of u havnt read it so itd b unfair..it made me cry tho...YES THAT TOO..haha...ive been crying alot..at mi wits ends as theyd say...haha ( whose they?) hahaha
anywayssssssssssssss..its 5 37 am nowwwwww....................................cnt think of more things to write and this has been ONE LONG LONG BLOG..haha..but i feel happier and lighter and jus all =D =D =D..lolz...i WUV U GUYS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much...
mi hearts bursting off it right now..lolzzzzzzzzzzzzz..wher aARE u mi bandaids????come to papa.!!!..er....mama!!!.....err....oh eff it, jus come to mee will u? hahahaa
see im gttin mu humour back..thts goooooooooooood..
oh on the way back frm the swiss embassy,,this 70 ish yr old guy and me were taking.he told me hes greek and all,,we discussed libya..told me he was unmarried,,asked me if i was single..then 'popped the question' .hahahaha
him-wher u goin?
me-downtown
him-want to have coffee with me downtown?
me-er no im kinda busy.
him-lunch sometime..
me ( thinkin,.....u despo freakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk......)
me-its mi stop...
hahahhaa..i was like woahhhhhh...so i DO gt attention from guys,,and do get asked out in canada as sum predicted..except by horny desperate 70 yr olds...yay for me.......haha..and he resembled mr.ibrahim so much it was freakiiiiiii...
dnt worry im nt goin out with ibrahim anytime soon..haaha
ew man..like seriousli..70 yr old? 70 YEAR OLD? do i seriousli look THAT old too? hahahah
anywayssssssssssssssssss...mi heads abt to erupt now cuz of sleep but i HAD to do this blog cuz tomoros mi study-hard day..............so yh....lemme quickli put in mi 'very very optimisitc' horoscope from fb for tomorow; before i go...
Farida,
Resolving conflicting opinions and deciding between opposing views or different options is essential now. Even though you don't want to be put in the middle of it all, that's exactly where you will find yourself today. You will have people coming at you from all sides. Face them head on instead of crouching up in a ball and waiting for it to blow over.
Astro Forecast
and,,,,,,,,,,,
after all that stress from last week, dad told me to get mi french and swiss visa...atfirst i though itd b a piece of cake,,but filling out forms , gttin dads bank statement, bookin a flight, gttin flight itinieries, gttin hotel reeservations and embassy appointments and what not,,,and on top of that the uni work and all, jus realli drove me down under.....i was lost under work and stress and all bt more detail on th later....
soooooo wher do i start....well pattrick and me hav gotten closer in the sense we meet a lil more regularly, thts like once a week =P haha and talk on the net alot.....esp last week when he was gttin over hus gf and all,,,turns out shed slept with the guy shes now dating..and tht realli pushed patrick to stop.....so hes ok,,,,,,,,,,
ezras okay too,,waynes ok..i dunno what happened but sumthings gone out of me..sumthin jus went SNAP ...like a elastic rubber band reacchin its limit...
ok so this last week nuthin much realli happened nd even if it didi , ive completly forgotten it..on monday i had THE busiest day,,,went to class at 8, left uni at 10 to go downtown for an interview with the french embassy... was damn scared id gt lost but found it in time , , reached there 11:20, realised that id turned up a week earlier for an interview that was scheduled for next week monday..mi interview slip showed mi appointment date in big letters in the front...yup,THATS how lost ive been..hurrried back to uni by 12 sumthin ish.had lunch..saw ezras old man stick ( his umbrella u dodos...not that stick.....ewww) hanging by itself in the restaurant..took it with me to giv it to him,,bt honestly trynng to walk with it and NOT lookin an 80 yr old women is so hard,,,cuz its long so u end up using it like a cane.haha...went to eco tutorial, did a quiz,,hurried back home, stayed up all night finishing an english assignmentttt..
then on tuesday i skipped phil class and went to swiss embassy ,,,first i had to go to this place close to home to gt mi pic taken ,,,and i didn wnna walk in with a scarf ,thne take it off, then wear it again (cuz u cant b wearin a scarf on ur passport pics_) then go to embassy and hav them buggin me to confirm that me with and without hair is the same person....with and without scarf i meant.....so i took it off,,got mi pictures done,,,went to embasssy,they took one look at mi passport and bank statement, said come tomoro and ur visa will b ready...the guy had app been to libya and loved it ther.on the way back these two indian dudes sittin oppoiste me on the train started hittin on me.no, im not bein vain,,they WERE hittin on me,,they were starin like unasamedly the idiots,,one of em was immitating the way i was sittin..they were callin out and all.iifelt ..diisgusted,,and used.....arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...newayss...
came back home at round 6 ish,,, went to sleep..woke up,,stayed up all night doing phil paper worth 30th%,,,skipped eco next day cuz i overslept..went to phil tutorial,,ezra was teasing mein front of wayne about wearing mi 'jedi costume' again...its like u knw those things tht got popular a while back..like a wrap around t shirt, or short blouse kinda thng that ud knot under ur chest or at the side? neways, his teasing stung...and thn he started complainin abt nt havin seen bianca for 3 weeks, nd i was thinkin i skipped class yest bt he never realli askedme whut was with tht..id called on him on monday and told him i wud bt he never asked...anyways then me ,wayne nd him were discussing movies,,,and we were saying how Transfrmers is for guys and all...thn we talked abt a walk to remeebr and turns out wayne likes it too..i was like :O....dude, u seriousli dnt wna go round telli ngirls that..its a chick flick,,its emo goo whutever made for girlssss.....i find it ridiculous tht guys like it..and ezrra's like ur sexist,,and waynes like we hav feelings too and all..i felt like i was bein atttacked by those two but lookin back now,,i see i was doing the atttackin,......mi hate for all guys kinda thing is becomin apparent now...not hate realli, jus mistrust,,,i wanted to scream at ezra wen he called me sexist ( which does not mean sexy, horny or anything of that nature ,,haha..it means discriminating on gendar....yes yes i knw u all are not idiots but i dunno why i had to define tht..its pobably cuz wen i write emails back home i explain all the big words so that deejay doesn hav o ask dad and all =) ) so anyways i was saying bout mistrust,,well i dunno ive met sum reallli realli bad guys wen i was a kid nd i guess i started judgin all of em to b like tht..not a good idea, bt yeh...im sure all 3 of u know abt me molested wen i waas a kid right..i was too young, i can never b too sure whut realli happened..was it a dream? i dunno..thn jus the general male population in pakistan...thn dad putting down women all the time,...peoples concept of women's inferiority,,then all the idiots i ever liked,,,adel and jasem and all, patrick...they all screwed me over in some way or another.....so i dont think its a big surprise im on the offensive now...or is it defensive? am i jus tryna protect miself?i dunno..i havent told u guys all the story yet so this prolli wont make sense..
so after phil tutorial i went to swiss embassy,,got mi passport..got first real feeling of havin done SUMTHIN right that week..after the other huge disasters ill talk abt in a moment...then i went round downtown..its a beautiful place,,built next to the sea....gorgeousssssssssssssss views of the mountains and the city and all...felt quite alone and yt quite independant...nice feeling.on the outside but in the 'deep heart's core' i cravedddddddd u guys to b ther..someone......ive jus been v loneli.....
anyways, wednesday i did nuthin..thursday which is todaay, i went to uni ,,,came back....lied down on mi bed..khalu came to peek over whut i was doin on mi laptop..lied down behind me.rested his arm on mi waist,he was realllllllllli close..i got uncomfortable,,sat up..he sat next to me,,,,,......coupla guys were online on mi fb, ishan and faisal and all.hes look who are theseee....nd iwas on chizzat on audio, talkin to this other dude...so mi uncle got all intrigued by that..no he cudn and din hear the other dude.....anyways,then he came back with chips,,said the onli waay u gt em is if u wnna eat with mi hand..i said no thnx im nt a kid ill do it miself..so i kinda snatched it ate it miself..haha..he was teasin with the chip again..like with the yoghurt..anyways,,,,,,,he ws jus bein flirty i guess..aftr a long time....dnt worry nuthin happneened and nuthin will..
anyways......so nowwwwwwww lemme talk abt other things that had been buggin me....first i jus realized its 4am and tht i had to submit a hil paper online at 12..GREAT..i get one mark taken off for late entry....cudve done it ealrier but i fell asleept at 9...its 4 52 am here..anyways....so one day i was talkin to dad and well he apologized for bein a bad father...for githing with mum..for makin me see all those things i shudnt hav,,,.......here are sum parts of the convo....
fareeda:
i see khala and khalu making those sacrifices for their kids...u guys did it too for us but we jus took it for granted......
Moin_Shahid says:
wll thats our duty
farida says:
hahaha..........
Moin_Shahid says:
and doesnt need mentioning
farida says:
such an indian dialogue
farida says:
yeh to mera farz thaaaa
Moin_Shahid says:
infact we always are afraid, we havent taken good care of u all
Moin_Shahid says:
atleast i do
farida says:
i guess its insecurity
farida says:
u need to know u did the best
farida says:
ur doin a great great job
farida says:
it couldnt hav been better
farida says:
honestly with sending me to america
farida says:
then sending me here
farida says:
i cannot even begin to imagine the kind of sacrifice it is for u two
farida says:
and it means A WHOLE LOT to me..
Moin_Shahid says:
beta so may things wernt wrong iin our fAMILY THAT I'LL ALWAYS BE FEELING SORRY
farida says:
nahee u shudnttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
farida says:
abu good or bad it was MI family
farida says:
Mi memories
farida says:
and every family has good and bad times...
farida says:
i rememebr all the great times we;ve had together bus
Moin_Shahid says:
jusat wish u had better memries
farida says:
i have THE BEST memories ok
and so on...i nevr realised jus how much of a failure dad felt....i nevr knew..it hurt me realli realli bad cuz yeh ive seen realli realli bad times when i was 8 or 9 but i never thought tht itd b killin dad as much as it killed me.im sorry i cant put more of th convo because,,hmm..still too tendar? too personal to put it on here...bt yh that hurt..and i cried alot that night..alot alot......for the good and the bad and the ugly..haha...for what had happened....
anyways,,,mi aunt is workin right as isaid and theyre gttin a nanny....by law here nannies need teir own room...i dunno if i mentioned this in the earlier blog or not..in any case, il hav to move out of mi room and move into mi cuzins..at first with the shock of it i didn kknw whut to say..so i told mum it was ok, id manage..but as days passed i realised how MUCH id b givin up..likin stayin awake all night, changing clothes , putting on makeup, studyin, sleepin..tht day i was tryin to sleep in mi cuzins room and they made such a racket that 2 and a half hours later i had big bluury red eyes, no sleep, and a massive headache.....anyways so i complained to dad abt it which was a rong move cuz dad told mom tht it did matter to me and he got all stressssed and moms like it doesn matter to her ..so nayways i talked to mom and we fought...she gav me a whole lecture on family and 'they are people worse off than u , b grateful' and all...and i said lisn, i knw ts family and im not saying its their fault..its jus inconvenient and i want ur sympathy but u give me lectures and all..she said tthts y she didn wanna send me here cuz i get rigid and cruel....and i dunno,man oka people r goin thru tougher stuff but i was goin thru a lot of emotional crap and was in now goin round feelin sorry for anyone at tht time..and then ammi bought in her favouriteeeeeeeeeeee example..how she and mi aunt had to share a room when they lived with their cousins too,,and i retorted, this isn't about u , its ABOUT ME.....i was rude i knw...bt the thing is, wen mi mum and mi aunt spent like 3 or 4 yrs with their relatives, the relatives kids were their own age so they followed the same school and exam pattern ,,second,the unis ther are no work, thirddd mi mum had mi aunt to share with, cry with, be with....i hav noone..i need mi privacy wher i can talk to u guys in peace..anyway..it was that stress and and embassy and all....mi mums in pakistan btw with mi grandma whse been feelin sick..we were both jus stressed and endingup crying in the end..yes yes , despo indian film heroines..but i cried and cried ad felt awfulllllllllllllllllllllllllll for ltting it all out on her...and she cried cuz she thought i thought they didn love me anymore....anyways..then i talked to dad and told him not tto tell mum whut i told him abt the room and all...i dcant quite remeber bt i hadan argument with abu too..another crying fit....obviousli........
whut else..i missed home, i was loneli..two huge fights with mi parents, dads confession,visa, insurance, rent, uni, patrick, mi grandmas stress,,the fact that nizam and dj are alone in libya, the fact that even tho im gttin the visa mi mum might not go to the holiday cuz shes sayin shed feel guilty about mi granma, the fact that we're gttin a nanny and i need to move out of mi room soon..how will i ever manage sharing ((sounds so selfish)),,need to pack mi bags for holidays, giv in english assignment worth 30%, prepare for final exams next next week, go shoppin for gifts, do a dozen lil tiny thngs,call them do that,,,jus all the stress and workload had killed me ....i was lost and completly burned outtttt.
whut else..during those 3 days between mi crying fit and all..i felt a sense of loneliness...realli realli loneli....i realised i cant tell mi dad anything anymore cuz he stresses and tells mum..mum again she'll jus giv a lecture and more than that, worry..........third, sum incident happened and khala let slip tht she told mum abt sumthin i didnt think she wud..ths is like the 11th time or sumthin..so i cant tell khala..and i obv cant tell khalu..patricks off the list too....whiel i fought with dad and was cryin he was online too..we talked, he comforted .......for once..but its nt safe gttin his comfort now....and i obv cnt tell ez,,we're frnds bt i dunno,,i wudn wnna go and tll hhim all the intimate hurtful thngs abt me..and thats that..there was noone else..yes i know u three are feeling indignant and goin U HAD US....i dunno whut i was doin,,i thought it wwas mi pain, noone cud help me,,noone caared...i jus put everyone in the same box and pushed u all away....thought id handle it miself..didn neeed anyone.....
THEN...armie HAPPENED......literalli....she screamed at me for movin off, closin up in mi shell again..she literalli stopped talkin until i promised her i wudn do it again..here's part of our convo....
farida says:
heyyyyyyy
armie- says:
eeeeeedddddddaaaaaaaa
farida says:
sheesh ive not talked to u for so long
armie- says:
been waiting n waiting n waiting
armie- says:
where've u beeennnnn!?!?!?!
farida says:
awwww
armie- says:
farida says:
workinnnnnnnn
farida says:
dnt ask
armie- says:
i was jus lookin for a sign that u were still alive!
farida says:
whuts uppppppppppppppp
farida says:
im alive
farida says:
jus existing
armie- says:
cuz rima n i havent seen u online for a bit!
farida says:
had 4 crappy longggy days
armie- says:
whats up with u?!?!?!?!
farida says:
nuthin jus assignments and visas and all
farida says:
had a fight with mi mum
farida says:
and mi dad
armie- says:
what?!?!1\
farida says:
and dad apologized for bein a xrappy dad for like 18 years
farida says:
nt bein good enuf
armie- says:
woah..
farida says:
and i was missin evryone nd feelin loenly
farida says:
and cried and cried and cried for 3 days straight
armie- says:
tsk tsk
armie- says:
shouldve talked to us!
farida says:
and thn ther was work and all tht stress on top of us
farida says:
it
farida says:
i knw armie i jus..locked miself away again
armie- says:
AGAIN...
farida says:
thought id handle it ..
armie- says:
but u know we were worrrriiiiiiieeeeedddddddddddddddddddddd
farida says:
u were?
farida says:
its onli been 4 or 5 days..
armie- says:
yah and thats long enough
farida says:
nd u knw the dact tht u WERE worried means so much right now
farida says:
i dunno today i was jus like screw evrryone
farida says:
screw patrick and ezra and wayna and i dunno
farida says:
i jus stopped givin a dman abt evryone
armie- says:and...? so u pushed them all
farida says:
yeh..theyre alll gttin pushed...
farida says:
i dunno i hav too much work and all to worry about any of them
armie- says:
im sure ez was worrried
farida says:
haha....im sure he wasnt
farida says:
ive been skippin class and all..thts it
farida says:
met him today...
armie- says:
whatttttttttttttttttt???
farida says:
NOT all
armie- says:
u been skippinnnnnn?
farida says:
but yeh..cant wake up on time or been goin to embassies right
farida says:
and theyre onli open in the mornings
farida says:
gud news is i got mi swiss visa
farida says:
anyways..i dunno...ive realised its all coming to an end
armie- says:
wats comin to an end?
farida says:
patricks graduating and ezra and me wnt hav any classes
farida says:
smesters over i dunno
farida says:
me,,im ending...haha..im bein the strong locked up me again
farida says:
am i makin any sense right now..i dunno
armie- says:
i hate what ur doin right now...
armie- says:
ur shuttin them out jus cuz u dont believe that they will give effort to see u
farida says:
yeh
farida says:
because theres no point
farida says:
because i was hurting these past 4 days and i i had noone to call
farida says:
noone to talk to and ive neever felt so loneli in mi whole entire life
armie- says:
we were just here eeda...
armie- says:
but u just didnt wanna tell us either...
farida says:
thts whut i fought with mum and dad abt..dad told mum evrythin tht worries me and i wans tellin her cuz shed cry
farida says:
and she found out ad gav me a lecture and did cry
farida says:
i dunno..its mayb cuz ive been thinkin i complain too much
farida says:
i go on and on abt all this with u guys wen mayb u guys r goin thru worse
armie- says:
well dont we all?!!??!
armie- says:
no ur goin thru stuff toooooo
farida says:
and i need to shut up and stop bein selfish
armie- says:
we're all goin thru stuff
armie- says:
which is why we need each other!
farida says:
and heal mi own self and forget tht ez or patrick r neone else here are gonna do it for me
farida says:
i knw
farida says:
i dunnno armie
farida says:
sumthings gtten into me again..itll come off soon
armie- says:
do u want us to shut up too then?
farida says:
NO
armie- says:
ok
farida says:
no id hate that
armie- says:
if thats how u want it\
armie- says:
fine
farida says:
NOarmieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
farida says:
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
farida says:
dont do that
farida says:
ARMIEEEEEEEEEEEE
farida says:
ok ok
farida says:
im sorryyyyyyyyyy
farida says:
i wont
farida says:
dont u give out on me
farida says:
ARMIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
armie- says:
well ur doin it to us
farida says:
im sorrrryyyyyyy i jus ddont knw
farida says:
i got locked up again..im sorry
farida says:
jus thought id handle it all
farida says:
im so sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyy
farida says:
armie say sumthin or ima die right here
You have just sent a nudge.
farida says:
armieeeeeeeeeee
armie- says:
ok ok....just promise u wont do that...
armie- says:
because we do care eeda!
farida says:
i promise i wont....
armie- says:
duuhhhh...that's why were called FRIENDS!!
armie- says:
because we care
farida says:
hahahaaaaaaa
armie- says:
and we will understand
farida says:
i was hurt
farida says:
cuz mum and dad and mi aunt and uncle
farida says:
didn understand
farida says:
or anyone at uni
armie- says:
but we're ur frends...even if we dont understand...we'll try!
farida says:
so i pushed evryone off and u guys with it and thts my mistake
farida says:
i knw im sorryyyy........
farida says:
id forgotten whut it was like to knw sumone cares,,,for a moment
farida says:
stupid self esteem again
farida says:
haha..im sorry.....
armie- says:
....
farida says:
it WONT happen again
armie- says:
we all have problems eeda...big or small...we wanna hear it....
farida says:
id jus forgotten u guys did
farida says:
wnna knw abt me...
armie- says:
oh shuddup..
farida says:
haha
farida says:
im sorrrrrrry
armie- says:
thats not sumthng u forget unless u wanna
farida says:
its been a long crappy week
farida says:
its jus that whoel fight with mum and dad...
armie- says:
....
farida says:
i was in theis panicky place wher i realised i cudn let mi stress out on either of them cuz they worried too much
armie- says:
yah ok...
farida says:
or mi aunt cuz shed tell mi mum
farida says:
or mi uncle cuz hed patronize me
armie- says:
yah...
farida says:
he was givin me al ecture on not bein emotionalli strong enuf
armie- says:
but thats why u have us!! ur blog!!! to let it out when it gets too much...
farida says:
bein too dependant and i wanted to scream at him and HIT him
farida says:
and tell him i AM strong
farida says:
hes like theres prolli stronger gurls than u in the family
farida says:
and i felt do hurt
farida says:
i wanted to tell him those gurls didn see half of whit i did
farida says:
or go thru half the crap i did
farida says:
their mum didn try and commit suicide or they didn see all th other cra tht went on
farida says:
i jus felt awfull....kinda like id show him
farida says:
gr..newyas
farida says:
its all out now...ive said it all out
farida says:
i feel calm again
farida says:
tellin u evrythin
farida says:
and light.
armie- says:
yah u shouldn't bottle up that stuff...thats what u tell me...
farida says:
more human..
farida says:
thanks armie
farida says:
i need a few slaps in the face every so often
farida says:
im so sorry for jus goin away like that
armie- says:
i'll slap u if i was there! but u know im not...
farida says:
hahaa.......
farida says:
thanx so much
farida says:
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much
armie- says:
shuddup
armie- says:
ur sayin the T word to me
haha..ok i cut off sum parts cuz itd b too long and it still is.I HOPE UR NOT MAD AT ME ARMIE FOR PUTTIN THIS HERE...i jus wana look back on mi blog wen im feelin crappy at uni and read this nd KNW sumone caress...dnt worry i onli saved this convo cuz it touched me.....and i missed u all..and i knw u guys will b like, there she goes again,,but honestly..i dunno whut happened..as i said , i snapped.....i jus went like -eff it all, ill do it - obv didn work....im sorry i did it ....talkin to armie made me realsie AGAIN jsu how great u guys are.....thank u sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for caring...talkin with her pulled me back frm mi,,er,,depression!??!..made me feel again....hahaa
usualli wen i write mi blog i feell lighter and feel all the pains been washed out..today for some weird reason , its stil hurtin..theres still sumthin in ther thts not out..i neeed to think and write it in later.........haha..
whut else........hmm..mi net buds, logan,faisal and faisal haha,,hav been good,.the three of em care,tell me im good,..w/e...i knw its silly to trust them..but to see mi wall on fb or offline msgs on msn sayin we missed u, we care..meant alot..and im NOT sendin hidden msgs to u lot abt this ok...i KNOW u guys care ....tht feelings comin back..a lil...haha
so i guess tht is all for today..id discuss harry P but sum of u havnt read it so itd b unfair..it made me cry tho...YES THAT TOO..haha...ive been crying alot..at mi wits ends as theyd say...haha ( whose they?) hahaha
anywayssssssssssssss..its 5 37 am nowwwwww....................................cnt think of more things to write and this has been ONE LONG LONG BLOG..haha..but i feel happier and lighter and jus all =D =D =D..lolz...i WUV U GUYS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much...
mi hearts bursting off it right now..lolzzzzzzzzzzzzz..wher aARE u mi bandaids????come to papa.!!!..er....mama!!!.....err....oh eff it, jus come to mee will u? hahahaa
see im gttin mu humour back..thts goooooooooooood..
oh on the way back frm the swiss embassy,,this 70 ish yr old guy and me were taking.he told me hes greek and all,,we discussed libya..told me he was unmarried,,asked me if i was single..then 'popped the question' .hahahaha
him-wher u goin?
me-downtown
him-want to have coffee with me downtown?
me-er no im kinda busy.
him-lunch sometime..
me ( thinkin,.....u despo freakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk......)
me-its mi stop...
hahahhaa..i was like woahhhhhh...so i DO gt attention from guys,,and do get asked out in canada as sum predicted..except by horny desperate 70 yr olds...yay for me.......haha..and he resembled mr.ibrahim so much it was freakiiiiiii...
dnt worry im nt goin out with ibrahim anytime soon..haaha
ew man..like seriousli..70 yr old? 70 YEAR OLD? do i seriousli look THAT old too? hahahah
anywayssssssssssssssssss...mi heads abt to erupt now cuz of sleep but i HAD to do this blog cuz tomoros mi study-hard day..............so yh....lemme quickli put in mi 'very very optimisitc' horoscope from fb for tomorow; before i go...
Farida,
Resolving conflicting opinions and deciding between opposing views or different options is essential now. Even though you don't want to be put in the middle of it all, that's exactly where you will find yourself today. You will have people coming at you from all sides. Face them head on instead of crouching up in a ball and waiting for it to blow over.
Astro Forecast
 Money |  Love | |
and,,,,,,,,,,,
| This is also a good time to bring to light elements from your infancy and adolescence that still could be active in your subconscious, in the wake of psychological experiences that still have not been assimilated well. If you have some antipathy, resentment or grudge toward some member of your family, now is the time to reflect on it and, thereafter, improve your relationship with that person. second one sound familiar? ring a bell.? haha..so damn trueeeeeeeeeee...lolz......... ok mes G ,,,i doth go but thou doth remmeber...i love u all..i miss u all..and im thankful for u all tooooo..alotttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.................. ps.we be survivors..last quote tht dad sent me below...PROMISE this is the last...
|
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)