this weekend has been....WOAH..thts the onli way i can say it..frm the whole patrick thng, then the whole break down...then the other lil incidents......
firstly was armie openin up to me...shes jus as scared as i am.....i feel for her cuz i knw how she feels..................i knw how tht pain can drive u insane bt wnt discuss it here.....serets are for keeping....hahaha..
secondli was the whole tommy-amy-dorothy episdoe..basicalli doroothy was offended tht the 'imperial couple' which is tommy and amy , valued me jus as much as her..and she got offended..and told me how hurt she was by it and how she didn like bein compared..i was like WOAH.....i hav nuthing to do with this,,i jus helped amy to talk to tommy wen they fought, and jus listened to tommy wen he felt like talkin abt evrything...thts all...i struggled with thse 2 all night,,,anyways, next day dorothy sends me the convo she had with tommy, where he tells her tht dorothy means mre to him thn i do, because i had told tommy to do tht.....even tho tommy doesn see it tht way, but readin tht convo hurt...and i was thnkin of how dorothy deliberately showed me the convo to see where i stood,,,jus so she cud hav one up on me..i mean hellooooooooo since wen is friendship this game where ppl 'compete' to get sumones attention....anyways,,mst of u r gnna b lost here cuz u dnt knw the whole story here ,but jus knw tht these ppl were frnds frm gylc,,and tommy means alot alot alot to me......hes a realli gud frndd...today he spent all his time tryin to convince me tht i meant alot to him..it was sweet ...and unnerving,,,cuz i dnt beleive i deserve it bt neways......................
next up was tino..another gylc frnd whod been goin on and on about how distant and cold i was at gylc..he said im a different person online, but i said tht noone evever tried to get to knw me in gylc...thse who did, like leah and fanny and rachel, knew ME me......he said he tried and he deserved to knw........which is true,,,he DID try bt i jus used to push him off....so i tried to tell him why it was tht i was so cold and harsh...........he became silent....he said now he knew ...and he wasnt suprised at all...he said i did great turning out the way i did,,and he was surprised i was so normal....again most of ull b liek shes goin off in a tangent sumwher,,,but neway...........its always gud to knw wen the few ppl who know abt me tell me tht i did well.....as i said im still dealing with it.....mi horoscopes been wacki like tht latel,,,telling me tht i did the best i cud, and mayb i shud let go of all the guilt i kept inside....i dunno..ill heal with time.........
next up is again..patrick..hahaha..i swear i TRIED not to think abt him and i dont....butthe randomest thng or the other will triiger the thought...like i went shoppin today and went to sportscheck for buying joggers,,and i remmebered how him and me had gone to sports check in metrotown and we'd picked out our fav shoes...........i saw tht same shoe ther today and tht hurt.....and again over the weekened, i went to sfu to work on mi english assignment with tina, and on the bus and the train i kept remembering how he told me which were his fav seats to sit in.......i look at the asian couples and think of him and his gf sumwher..and i thnk how unfair it is for me..i mean he said he needed to b ther for her cuz she had noone here,,well i hav noone here too......all mi frnds are far away,,,bt atleast they care..all of them..ive been overwhelmed by the support ive gotten these past few days ( i sound liek sum actress giving her thank-u speech for the oscars) 'I wud liek to thank the cast and crew of 'ISM' and the great times we had, the technical support of 'Facebook' for keeping me in touch with the people i value the most, and lastly I would liek to thank God for this wonderful award in my hand' ''lifts award, bows to crowd and sweeps off the stage'' bwahahahhahaha.....i swear i cn b so corny sumtimes.................
but its true,everyone cared so much..it felt good to knw.................there was a time wen iwas small and i used to think, 'if i died today, who'd miss me?' this is after sum particularly nasty fights btween mum and dad,,,,,..and mi tiny lil brain used to answer 'noone''.....but today, i CAN say, alot of people.................like rima,armie,sandy,tommy,dj,,maybe even anas,rt,ezra,mi grandparents, some of mi teachers, mi mum and dad ( but ive kinda become indifferent to them for sum reason..i knw it sounds cold,,,mayb im jus sayin it bt dont mean it ) bt esp mi bro and mi sis..i dnt wna wreck their lives....i think prolli ths is the reason why i didn bcome suicidal...hahah..alot of ppl who know used to ask me tht...didn u EVER thnk of commiting suicide..no...i used to hit miself once....long long ago....hit the wall i mean,, get all bruised..bt i WUDN kill miself bcuz
a) i dnt fancy hanging frm a rope and choking
b)there is no such thing as strawberry flavoured poison yet...
c)i dnt wnna stick mi head in the oven and hav the gas inside me......mi allergy wud work up and id sneeze and sneeze and end up with a cold......i mean i wnna look like a pretty corpse,who wants to hav a red,rashed nose and a handkerchief on them wen they die...
d) lying on the railway tracks is SO old fashioned...dnt much fancy being squashed by wheels....whut a terrible sensation wne they trains approachin u....and ur goin 5,4,3,2,ACK....haha
e) i dont like drowning....i mean for thse who knw abt mi tunis trip,i tried drowning but seriousli,,,the time period between wen ur still conscious and ur goin ...''SHIT, is there a SHARK in here?' wud b highly uncomfortable.............hahah....i dunt wnna b an incomplete corpse either..preferabli with all thngs intact......hahah.. i mean okay, if i hav to die bein devoured by a shark, imagine i wrote in mi will , bury with all body parts,, and u poor poor ppl hav to search the entire ocean lookin for mi eyeball............which may happen to b squashed under a whale...before its winter hibernation period or sumthin.....and u cnt find the thng for yearsssssss...nd u cnt bury me........n i jus lie on a slab goin all ewwwwyyyyyy......hahah....
f) jumping frm buildings is not a good idea..i mea u jump okay, ur falling down , and u pass all these windows on the way with people celbrating sumones bday, sumone gttin 'intimate' in the second floor, rima and whoever making out on the third floor..WAIT, was tht RIMA? omg.....but its too late to go back and check by then......so yeh,tht wud b pretty lame too....u knw...
g) slittin wrists is messy, i mean u wudn like ur mum/roomate/relative to b cleanin up aftr u....truli unhygenic..hey they cud get aids or sutthin too..tho if u DO hav aidss then why bother 'suiciding' at all..patience is a virtue and ull b dead in a few mths neway...........and secondly, it wud b ''bloody'' painfulllll...i mean imagine u singing 'ba ba black sheep' to kill time and let the blood drain away...whut u CUD do if ur gnna commit suicide ths way and ur scared of slittin them purposefulli, is tht u cud....er...make salad.....andddddddd ''accidentalli' put all of ur left hand next to the veggies and go,,chop chop chop chop gner ger 'grunt.'.cuz ur tryina get thru the bone' OUCH OUCH OUCH, ba ba black sheep ,black out...end of story.............or, in ths case, end of u ...........
h) u cud try electrifying ureself, tho ive heard it ends up giving u a realli bad hairdo and cn rot ur brain.....and me bein shallow, i hav to look Beautiful wen i die..not with sum kinda goeey poop comin out mi ears and hair stickin all over the place...or mayb i can gt one of u guys to put hairspray on or sumthin...for future refernce,if ths is to occur, plz use herbal essences hairspray for curly hair...straight hair makes me look weird.....thnk u in advance...............bwahahha....
hmm..im out of ideas..mayb i shud update ths soon tho..interesting thought...........
im out of crappy thngs to write................mus b goin now
ps.....................i posted a new pic on fb,,haha..call me selfish or arrogant bt i was pleased by the stir it created,,,a few ppl said i look nice,,and its a lil boost for mi already sagging confidence.....ahahha......hahah..no, im crappy with compliments..i laughed away all of them....cnt accept it and believe these ppl are bein truthful at the same time....bt yh,, gives u a teensy weensy lil bit of 'hey, i dnt resemble shit so much after all.......'' feeling.....hahaha
pps.........im SO shallow...hahahah..
all for now..cha ciao folks.......
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