i hadn seen him for 4 days,,he never came to class and i assumed he wasn in uni..i told him i was bored and tht i missed him tht day and i hope i wasn't bein too all clingy by writin him emails ........... this is his reply...........
Dear Fareeda,
Yes, I was at SFU.
I had a lot of fun hanging out and chat. However, I realize I have been slacking off at work and solving problems. I am sorry that I will not have time to hang out with you any more.
My girlfriend's mom just left yesterday. She is having such a rough time and I want to be there for her.
I hope you do well in the midterm,
Nhan
for a second, i was stunned.....sat back, read it again,,,felt like crying but tht was prolli cuz i had mi auntie,,haha,
replied back saying,
hey,
i understand u need to work and all, but u shudve told me this before...and not led me on either when u still wnna b with ur gf.................
anyways, it doesn matter,,,i had fun talking to u too......
hope u do well in exams as well,
fareeda
i felt awful.......i felt used and violated..aftr so mani years of finalli openin up and lettin sumone in, i got jus whut i feared the most , which is rejection i gues,,,tht i cant stand, as well as betrayel.....
i guess the first time i was ever hurt in mi life was wen i realized mi parents werent the happy fairytale ccouple i had imagined them to be...the second time was when laura betrayed me, but i was a child then so it didn hurt so much...mi first big shock was ofcourse RT, and the whole anas thng......tht stung for ages....................and ofcourse, now theres this..........this isnt that bad tho, jus yesterday it seemed like it.........i felt awful, and all defensive again...tht id never let guys in and id never trust anyone again and all......i was bein melodramatic..hahaha..
anyways, i was truly hurt and ive just learnt tht rejection and all this will happen again and again and again in life..u dnt let that stop u....ive faced this bfre and i came out of it and im not goona let sum vietnamese guy i met a month ago ruin mi life........
bt anyways, truthfulli speaking, i DID make a fuss yesterday...i complained to rima and armie and tommy and ezra..not much to ez tho,,,,but i complained..lookin back i can laugh at that now...but neways yesterday, i was too depressed to study,, i was anooyed and angry......so i downloaded ''10 thngs i hate about u'' one of mi favourite chick flick movies,,haha,,,watched that till 4,,but even hadn helped much,.
then i watched a 'walk to remmeber' ..thts when it all came out....everything,,,,,,,,,,,,,i realised how badly i had numbed miself up....i hadn cried wen i left libya, wen i met and then had to say gud-bye to rima or rmie i didn cry....i din cry wen i left pakistan .......tho all thse thngs had hurt alot.....i didn cry wen i missed them wen i got here here, or wen i missed mi family...i didn cry wen i slowly started to face all thse bad memories id locked away for 18 years....i started to remember them and say'look, this happend to me,,dnt get hurt about it and get the child out of u who used to thnk of this and feel hurt and wonder 'why'? ''..............but tht didn happen cuz i STILL had tht child in me hurting and hurting and remembering.......... ..then i hrd abt mum havin a hard time at home and even then i din cry,,then patrick happened and i still din cry.....thou all tht pain kept adding up and up..............
so i knew i had this longggggggggggggggggggggggg overdue....haha..well, the movie got it all out......u knw wen u cry convulsively, ur shivering cuz u cnt stop...they call them 'racking' sobs i thinl........thts how it happened yesterday.....mi pillow was drenched,mi eyes were swollen and the tears kept coming and coming..i swear i made mi own river...tthd b sum world record..'''new (wo)man-made river in Canada'' haha..tht sounds SO ew and soo girly and so weak....
......bt yh..i thought back of evrything, all the very good memories and all the realli bad ones....and jus kept crying,,and in the movie, jamie was dying.....and i was at ism again, dancing in khans class,,,now landon had married her and i was a kid watching mi mum cry...now he was makin her tht telescope and i was at the mall choosing shoes with patrick.........but yeh..........the movie ended soon after, and so did the pain...........
i slept then, and woke at 3 in the afternoon, but atleast now i feel liberated and cleansed.......happy.... aand i dnt hav tht heavy feeling in me again.......i feel like how i felt the first 3 days i came here, tht i was in whole new world and nuthing cud ever hurt me here, not mi past or mi present..id left it all behind but then sumtimes u CANT leave it behind....but u cn accept it and b okay with it ...and thts how i feel now again.........im so glad the hurts gone...i cn thnk of patrick and whutever happeend without hurt and anger now,accept whut he did, and b okay with it..
so yeh, breakdowns can b nasty at first,,but beautiful too.....they make u stronger instead of weaker,,they cleanse ur soul , they giv u strength to fight life all over again...........
enuf of the gooey talk,,,for all u ppl readin ths blog, heres a tip or two:
1-wen u feeel bad, hav choclate and herbal tea...amazin combo..oh yeh hot baths too....watchin it rain is nto a bad idea either,,,or a snset at the beach..im such a hopeless romantic...''sigh''......
2-watch a walk to rmemeber..its easier thn feelin gloomy for days and waitin for the tears to come...this is is like fatser and neater...haha..sounds like sum hair removal techinique,,faster and neater..ew........
3-listen to Let go- by frou frou..the song im obsessed with right now..............
or I'm good-tony laf.......theyll both make u feel happy..atleast they do for me...
or wen u havent realli cried yet and ur feelin heavy, listen to Fix You- coldplay......
nice songs.....
4-jus remember tht theres noone in ths world who doesnt hav sumone hurting and caring for them.............
so heres a big hug to ppl who care for me........u knw who u r..... :D
all mi crapp for now...........
eeda
for a second, i was stunned.....sat back, read it again,,,felt like crying but tht was prolli cuz i had mi auntie,,haha,
replied back saying,
hey,
i understand u need to work and all, but u shudve told me this before...and not led me on either when u still wnna b with ur gf.................
anyways, it doesn matter,,,i had fun talking to u too......
hope u do well in exams as well,
fareeda
i felt awful.......i felt used and violated..aftr so mani years of finalli openin up and lettin sumone in, i got jus whut i feared the most , which is rejection i gues,,,tht i cant stand, as well as betrayel.....
i guess the first time i was ever hurt in mi life was wen i realized mi parents werent the happy fairytale ccouple i had imagined them to be...the second time was when laura betrayed me, but i was a child then so it didn hurt so much...mi first big shock was ofcourse RT, and the whole anas thng......tht stung for ages....................and ofcourse, now theres this..........this isnt that bad tho, jus yesterday it seemed like it.........i felt awful, and all defensive again...tht id never let guys in and id never trust anyone again and all......i was bein melodramatic..hahaha..
anyways, i was truly hurt and ive just learnt tht rejection and all this will happen again and again and again in life..u dnt let that stop u....ive faced this bfre and i came out of it and im not goona let sum vietnamese guy i met a month ago ruin mi life........
bt anyways, truthfulli speaking, i DID make a fuss yesterday...i complained to rima and armie and tommy and ezra..not much to ez tho,,,,but i complained..lookin back i can laugh at that now...but neways yesterday, i was too depressed to study,, i was anooyed and angry......so i downloaded ''10 thngs i hate about u'' one of mi favourite chick flick movies,,haha,,,watched that till 4,,but even hadn helped much,.
then i watched a 'walk to remmeber' ..thts when it all came out....everything,,,,,,,,,,,,,i realised how badly i had numbed miself up....i hadn cried wen i left libya, wen i met and then had to say gud-bye to rima or rmie i didn cry....i din cry wen i left pakistan .......tho all thse thngs had hurt alot.....i didn cry wen i missed them wen i got here here, or wen i missed mi family...i didn cry wen i slowly started to face all thse bad memories id locked away for 18 years....i started to remember them and say'look, this happend to me,,dnt get hurt about it and get the child out of u who used to thnk of this and feel hurt and wonder 'why'? ''..............but tht didn happen cuz i STILL had tht child in me hurting and hurting and remembering.......... ..then i hrd abt mum havin a hard time at home and even then i din cry,,then patrick happened and i still din cry.....thou all tht pain kept adding up and up..............
so i knew i had this longggggggggggggggggggggggg overdue....haha..well, the movie got it all out......u knw wen u cry convulsively, ur shivering cuz u cnt stop...they call them 'racking' sobs i thinl........thts how it happened yesterday.....mi pillow was drenched,mi eyes were swollen and the tears kept coming and coming..i swear i made mi own river...tthd b sum world record..'''new (wo)man-made river in Canada'' haha..tht sounds SO ew and soo girly and so weak....
......bt yh..i thought back of evrything, all the very good memories and all the realli bad ones....and jus kept crying,,and in the movie, jamie was dying.....and i was at ism again, dancing in khans class,,,now landon had married her and i was a kid watching mi mum cry...now he was makin her tht telescope and i was at the mall choosing shoes with patrick.........but yeh..........the movie ended soon after, and so did the pain...........
i slept then, and woke at 3 in the afternoon, but atleast now i feel liberated and cleansed.......happy.... aand i dnt hav tht heavy feeling in me again.......i feel like how i felt the first 3 days i came here, tht i was in whole new world and nuthing cud ever hurt me here, not mi past or mi present..id left it all behind but then sumtimes u CANT leave it behind....but u cn accept it and b okay with it ...and thts how i feel now again.........im so glad the hurts gone...i cn thnk of patrick and whutever happeend without hurt and anger now,accept whut he did, and b okay with it..
so yeh, breakdowns can b nasty at first,,but beautiful too.....they make u stronger instead of weaker,,they cleanse ur soul , they giv u strength to fight life all over again...........
enuf of the gooey talk,,,for all u ppl readin ths blog, heres a tip or two:
1-wen u feeel bad, hav choclate and herbal tea...amazin combo..oh yeh hot baths too....watchin it rain is nto a bad idea either,,,or a snset at the beach..im such a hopeless romantic...''sigh''......
2-watch a walk to rmemeber..its easier thn feelin gloomy for days and waitin for the tears to come...this is is like fatser and neater...haha..sounds like sum hair removal techinique,,faster and neater..ew........
3-listen to Let go- by frou frou..the song im obsessed with right now..............
or I'm good-tony laf.......theyll both make u feel happy..atleast they do for me...
or wen u havent realli cried yet and ur feelin heavy, listen to Fix You- coldplay......
nice songs.....
4-jus remember tht theres noone in ths world who doesnt hav sumone hurting and caring for them.............
so heres a big hug to ppl who care for me........u knw who u r..... :D
all mi crapp for now...........
eeda
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