of tiredness and nostalgia...

sumtimes in life u hav this overwhelming sense of sorrow......i guess im goin thru tht phase right now.....it'll pass soon i hope but at this moment in time, so many tiny things botherin me, mi head is about to erupt.....thoughts keep goin round and round and round......feels like the im carryin thw whole world on mi head.....
thngs arent goin gud back home, mama called to tell mi aunt and asked her not to tell me bt mi aunts never been gud with secrets...theyre havin a rough time cuz im not ther..id usualli sort it out between those 2...theres alot of housework at home and mum has to do it all..mi bros retreatin into his own shell of pain and anger and noone but me can get him out of it....cuz id listen and not judge but hes gettin screamed at by everyone.....theyre all so frustated and theyre drivin each other up the wall iin this endless circle of pain where noone can get out..
im fallin for patrick..seriousli..he didn come to uni today, his frnd took patricks phones charger with him to england by mistake,,,so i cudn contact pat...hes been goin thru a realli rough time and ordinarily, he'd tell me but i havent chatted with him either and im realli worried abt him....i hope hes okay...not onli tht , but also hav tht same insecurity creepin up on me,,,what if he neevr did like me? what if i scared him away? what if sumthin happened to him?
mi grades aren all tht great,,,its the stupid thng inn me i got geneticalli frm mi mum for perfection..i PROMISED miself i wudn b like htt, i wudn care,,,bt try as hard as i can, i cnt do it....esp not with grades,,i wnt the perfectest grades and yeh this sounds so nerdy bt i dunno..i gt a b instead of an A and i feel like im letting all of them down and all mi dads money is goin to waste and i shud push miself harder and harder,,,mum makes it clear tht she does wnt the best grades bt dads contadictory...he says its uni and noone works hard so is shud take it easy but on the other hand,shud end mi bba in 3 years and take like 6 courses and study throughout the year,,i told him i got a B for english and he said not bad, thts great,,,and next thng he said was any A's? ....its the bloody paki mentality u cnt get rid of.............they always want bloodi perfection and im sick of it and i jus wnna b freeeeee...not worry abt grades and all, but i DO worry and if i dont do awesome or sumthin i complain and feel bad with miself......i hate this feeling,,,,,,
midterms r comin up and i dnt think im prepared,,,im so damn scared ill faill or wnt do good,,,u hav to get min C+ to pass and i keep thinkin whut if i dont,,what if the 1500 dollars dad paid for one sucki course goes to waste........
and i miss home....terribly....i knw the onli reassurance i seek is in mi mums voice or mi bros or mi sis's..i talk to dad every day so thts okay..but im scared of callin..i cud call, its cheaper frm here,,i hav a callin card,,,but im scared theyll tell me abt how thngs r goin rong there and ill end up feelin even more like shit,,or worse, what if they DONT tell me whuts rong and sound sad , thtll hurt too,,,,,,,,,,whut if mum starts crying? whut am i gonna do?
as sandy said, right now, shes's feelin fucked,,and im ok,,lil worried cuz she aint ok....but if she calls and tells me all, she'll b okay but ill b fucked...........hhahaha..so its mi call.......
and i miss mi rima,,,,.....................i cud call and tell her i missed her and jus talk abt the randomest stuff and she'd listen..TO ME....she'd jus b ther and hug me in the end and say its all ok....she'd care and itd hurt her knwin im not okay........and sandy too wud hug me and laugh and laugh and laugh until id laugh....armie wud b all serious and giv advice, and b all concernd and hug too, and say itll b alright..and shed mean it...theyd all mean it... theyd all genuinely care..and i miss that feeling..........so muchh,,,,,,,,,theres frnds here yeh who make me laugh and i guess ez and me hav talked abt havin rough times at home..not in details but he jus wudn care..its jus another person tellin u their story.....patrick either,,,i dnt thnk hed care...........bianca and me hardly meet and we do,we jus all joke around....tht isnt real caring.......
thts the friendship i had in libya..it wasnt jus friendship i mean ez and pat and bi are mi frnds too but whut i had with them guys was sumthin tht went far far beyond tht.....if anyone one of us was hurt,itd hurt everyone..we'd all b ther for each other....now we're all our diff ways and sure we talk but its nt the same and it never will b like it was and tht drives me crazy........
i dunno,,,,im jus gettin moody.......prolli cuz mi aunties abt to come soon..gals u knw whut im talkin abt right? haha,,,
im tired cuz of walkin round so much..mentalli exhausted because of writin thesis's and studyin for economics...............jus so so tired......bttr go and hav a shower and herbal tea or sumthin..they make me happy.........

bfore leave,,, a lil poem i wrote..the one i started for 'Home' but now with one more verse tht still needs a lot of editin but oh well...........

They say its the best place in the world
But it means nothing to me
It ain't my home, that ain't my beach
'Cuz special they can never be.

It lacks the things, the tiny joys,
Things that made me Whole,
Mi heart ain't here, it strays to where
I found peace in mi soul..

i miss u guys alot...i found mi peace with u...................lolz....tc all
love
me,..